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FISHERS OF MEN. If you have any submissions, subscription requests or

cancellations, please contact editor-in-chief Peter Kim at [email protected].

Announcements, prayer requests, and questions for Crabby are also welcome at

that address.

OFFICE HOURS.

Holland, MI–On Wednesday, March 1, 2000, the officer nominations will take place for the 2000-2001 UCS officers. Elections will be held on March 15, 2000, during the normal meeting. If you are interested in becoming an officer in a friendly and laid-back Catholic environment, please attend the meeting to “throw in the hat” and run for office, for which the only requirement (so far) is a year-long commitment. Nominations will be taken at this week’s meeting at 9PM in the Presidents’ Room in Graves Hall, officers say.

For the rest of the meeting, the officers ask that attendees bring photographs of their mission trip experiences. These photographs will highlight discussion on March’s theme of “Missions.”

NO SOUP FOR UCS.

Holland, MI–Our Lady of the Lake will be hosting a soup dinner on Ash

Wednesday, March 8, 2000. The meal time is 6PM, followed by an

Ash Wednesday service. The Union of Catholic Students will be meeting at the DeWitt flagpole at 5:30PM. This meeting will take place of the normal Wednesday meeting at the time.

Also on Ash Wednesday, Father Bill Duncan of Our Lady of the Lake will be speaking at Dimnent Chapel during Chapel. The Union of Catholic Students encourages all Hope Catholics to attend, wearing their UCS 2000 t-shirts, if possible. Reserved group seating will be attempted.

DEAR CRABBY.

Dear Crabby,

I’ve read and loved your column ever since the New Kids on the Block changed their name to the Backstreet Boys! In fact, I heard that two of them are getting married (not to each other). You’d have no idea how disappointed I was to find this out. I was wondering, therefore, how I could arrange to dissuade them when I realized that you, my dear Crabby, must have gazillions of Hollywood connections! Could you get me a meeting with the Backstreet Boys/New Kids on the Block so I could?uh?get their autographs? And also, when I go to the beach, what’s the best SPF sunblock I should use?

Signed, DESPERADO OF DESIRE

Dear “STREETCAR NAMED DESPERADO”,

For one thing, you need to increase the SPF of the sunblock you’ve currently been using, since the UV has melted some of the icing on your cake, if you will. If you think that I would use some of my Hollywood power to arrange a meeting between one of the premier garage-sale bands of the world and yourself, who, if we can be honest, are a peon in the tall ladder of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” wait-listed contestants, you are indeed, as they say, off your John Rocker.

Some advice columnists whose names unoriginally rhyme with mine might actually try to throw their media weight around, but not myself. I am a highly principled person, whose integrity and moral strength is second only to Mike Tyson and Swiss cheese (for instance, you would NEVER catch me at a bar without a tall glass of Long Island Iced Tea in hand). I’m sorry to disappoint you, therefore, when I say that the best I can do is to arrange a meeting with Phil Collins, which he’d be desperate to do now that his Disney-bought Super Bowl halftime performance has lowered his chances of employment elsewhere. But you would have to bribe me.

Because I, whose morals rival those of the greatest humanists of history (such as Benedict Arnold and, to a lesser degree, Stalin), cannot be bought for anything less than a Big Mac. Super-sized.

Your crabbiest,

Crabby

NEED TO LAUGH?

Here are some great useless facts:

01. Polar bears are left-handed.

02. August 8th begins ‘National Pickle Week.’

03. Most toliets flush in the key of E flat.

04. Most car horns are in the key of F.

05. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

06. Howdy-Doody had 48 freckles.

07. 400 quarter-pounders can be made from 1 cow.

08. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a bellybutton.

09. A full moon in nine times brighter than a half moon.

10. Goldfish have a memory span of 3 seconds.

11. National pi day is March 14.

12. Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness.

13. Our eyes never grow; our nose and ears never stop growing.

PLANTING SEEDS

39a

Dear “STREETCAR NAMED DESPERADO”,

For one thing, you need to increase the SPF of the sunblock you’ve currently bee