The Cell – Spoof Essay, Research Paper

Batherine Mean enters the realm of the human mind through an advanced neurological study. She is able to go inside the minds of passed-out people and talk to them while they are unconscious. What purpose this may serve is still unknown, but it sure sounds cool doesn?t it?

We now go to FBI headquarters to hear about their next case?

?Chief, a new case just came in,? Calls Meter Nocrack.

?Continue.? Acknowledges Chief Wigwam.

?Well Sir, in Hicksville Heights they found three dolls horribly treated, their clothes were switched with those of the opposite gender dolls and?? Meter is cut off.

?There is nothing wrong with wearing the clothes of an opposite sex!? states Chief Wigwam.

?I remember that little phase your father had before with the clothes thing and that?s none of my business, but can we get back to the case??

?And there?s nothing wrong with that,? Clears up Chief Wigwam. ?That?s behind our family now. So just back off!?

?Anyway, their bottles were filled with hair-spray and set ablaze. The person who did this even let dogs chew on them!? Rambled on Meter.

Chief Wigwam sits up from his chair and chuckles to himself

?Mr. Nocrack, we only solve human-related crimes at the FBI.?

? But look how cute they used to be! I even have some of these dolls at home!? Meter says as he shuffles through his briefcase.

Chief Wigwam, now puzzled, tries to understand Meter. ?You what? Never mind, get?? Meter, who shoves pictures into Chief Wigwam?s unprepared hands, cuts him off.

?What are these?? questions Chief Wigwam.

?Pictures of my doll collection and what was done to the victims we found.?

?That?s terrible! Something must be done to protect these useless lumps of plastic!? Pronounces Chief Wigwam.

?Collect a team and investigate this crime. The person who did this should be taken to court and win his case then never go to jail or get punished because the justice in this country is pathetic!?

?You go girl!? shouts Meter in glee. Chief Wigwam becomes furious and yells,

?That was a long time ago and now that the operations are over I am Mr. Wigwam! Do you have a problem with that or I am going to have to slap you? Now get out of my office!?

Meter is already half way out the door.

?I?m on it Sir!? calls Meter as his voice is drowned out.

Snarl Stagnant snatches his next victim from the a little girl in the park when she is occupied while chasing a dead frog. He retreats to his unicycle and wobbles off to his house.

While in the basement of his house he readies his special cell known to him as THE SMELL. The Smell is a glass container about the size of an aquarium. It has a lid and a tube coming out the side used for distributing methane gas into the chamber where a doll is placed.

Snarl places his next victim into The Smell and begins eating uncooked beans and chili peppers.

?It is only a matter of time before I begin to slowly encompass your body in methane! You better talk after that or I will have to resort to pulling the cord on your back! Mwa hah ha!!!? exclaims Snarl.

Hours pass and Snarls stomach begins to rumble.

?Here it comes doll!?

He lets one rip and falls off his chair, disarming the tube and sends the cage rolling into the closet. Snarl drags himself to the closet door but the fart gases begin swirling into his nostrils and he quickly gags and passes out. As his body slumps down he closes the door to the closet shut, holding remnants of Snarls fart in the closet. The race is on to get to the doll before the gases seep through the tube on The Smell and then do nothing to the doll. Will Meter get help to find it in time?

Meter and his team surround Snarls house after they discovered fingerprints on one of the dolls and followed the info they found on Snarl to here. Meter enters the house first and they make their way through the house. An agent calls from the basement and Meter rushes down to find Snarls contorted body on the ground.

?It reeks in here.? Says a disgusted agent.

Meter responds, ?Shut up and bring him back to the station before he comes to. I have to call a friend that may be able to help us out.

Batherine Mean greets Meter at the Crapbell Center of Advanced Neurological Studies and Blah Blah Blah Useless Long Name Research Facility Because We Have No Better Way to Spend Our Money and Time Blah Blah Blah Just Have Really Expensive Equipment So We Can Talk to Unconscious People Blah Blah Blah (Also known as the CCANSBBBULNRFBWHNBWSOMTBBBJHREESWCTTUPBBB) and invites him in.

When inside he motions for his crew to bring Snarls body into the Crapbell Center of Advanced Neurological Studies and Blah Blah Blah Useless Long Name Research Facility Because We Have No Better Way to Spend Our Money and Time Blah Blah Blah Just Have Really Expensive Equipment So We Can Talk to Unconscious People Blah Blah Blah (Also known as the CCANSBBBULNRFBWHNBWSOMTBBBJHREESWCTTUPBBB) for the tests.

Batherine hooks Snarls body up to the Long Scientific Name Machine (Also known as the LSMM) and then hooks herself up to the same machine. The countdown begins and Batherine enters Snarls mind.

When inside, she sees Snarl sitting on a couch in the middle of the desert. Snarl walks up to her and tells her the doll is in a cell in the basement closet. (Sorry for the low visual effects, Low Budget Script Problems) She then goes back to the real world and tells Meter what she heard. Meter hops into his car and drives to Snarls house to save the doll and succeeds.

And they all lived happily ever after in the land of Obese Bongo Beating Monkeys, Flying Cannibal Amputee Disco Midgets with Toe Fungus and Bad Breath. Not to mention Giant Midgets, Talking Mutes, Deaf people with incredible hearing, and Multi-colored Albinos.

I don?t know what this means so just leave me and my padded walls alone.

FNU