Divorce After Years Of Marriage Essay, Research Paper

Thorough research has been performed on this paper to teach the understanding of the ?mid-life? stage in a person?s life. Numerous interviews have been conducted, and many book have been read to develop an idea why anyone would want to divorce during their ?mid-life?. We are going to begin by examining exactly what issues people of this age are going through both mentally and physically. Then, maybe through learning this, we will be able to try to understand ?what went wrong.?

CHARTING YOUR COURSE AT MIDLIFE

Middle age is a relatively new phenomenon, because people on the average are living longer and raising smaller families. They have more years ahead in which to redirect their energies after ages 40, 50, or 60. The ways people choose to live these years can be diverse, and choices are different today than for past generations. Couples in their 40s may be parents of young children-or they may be grandparents. A man of 50 may be marrying for the first time, or he may be the father of college students. A female employee may be bored with her occupation or excited about taking her first paying job. Understanding more about midlife will help all of us chart a personal way to do us well and in the future. Learning about the midlife experiences of others can help us to take normal changes in comfort, consider new options, and feel more in control of our lives. It can also prepare us to deal with unexpected events and changes.

Views About Midlife

Few realize that middle life falls not at fifty, but for most of nearly ten years earlier. When we have passed the thirty-ninth milestone on the road of ages, most of us have completed more than half of our ancestors. Sooner or later there comes to each of

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us, sometimes with a stab of surprise and regret after the vanished years, the knowledge that we are growing old. A gray hair or two over the temples, a deeper wrinkle round the eyes, less ease in climbing a hill, and then one begins to see the names of friends on the obituary page of the newspaper. The point at which we begin to think of ourselves as middle aged may differ from the moment that others think of us this way. Yet the way others behave toward us can influence the way we view ourselves. ?My friends began making jokes about my gray hair, the way I was dressing, and my hot and cold flashes. My husband, at the time, started making comments about the young women on the television. How their bodies were compared to mine, and how mine used to be that way.? (Nichols, S.) The way one views the middle years of their lives influences the way one experiences them. ?I am resenting every minute of aging. I have a mental image of myself as about 23. I resent the physical changes, and I think that?s a woman?s thing. I look in the mirror, and I don?t look the way I used to look.? (Hiles, P.) Dante, the grate ancient poet, once said: ?In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.?

Past, Present, and Future

Unlike animals, human beings can remember the past and plan for the future. At midlife most adults do some kind of life review by checking a personal map. One might ask oneself what they have accomplished, what kind of person they have been, what one?s life has meant, and what they want to change. This reflection is valuable, because in midlife we continue to lay the foundation for the kind of person we will

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become in the future. Relationships, talents, openness to new experiences, and unplanned events will continue to influence your personal development. The book Middle Age: The Prime of Life? gives the following questions to ask yourself as you look back upon your adult journey:

? What are my strengths and weaknesses?

? Am I taking responsibility for myself?

? What are the normal changes I can expect in myself and in others around me? How can I best adapt to these changes?

? How can I foster my physical and emotional health?

? How can I let go of completed or unsatisfying roles and take on new ones?

? In what ways can I help others, without controlling them?

? Do I maintain curiosity and continue to learn?

? Am I realistically planning for retirement?

? Do I take time to play?

Despite some of the difficulties one may experience during midlife changes, even unwelcome changes seem to have an upbeat side. A couple of the adults that were interviewed for this paper reported positive outcomes from their negative marital experiences. ?My children were much more relaxed and happy to come and visit me knowing that I wasn?t trembling. Their father had mentally abused me until the day that I left him. I stayed for them, and I prepared in the last ten years of my marriage for the day I could leave.? (Carpenter, K.) Pain often leads to growth, and yet sometimes it can scar

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us forever. ?My husband cheated on me the last three years of our marriage. Our children were still at home, so he wouldn?t leave us. As soon as our last daughter went to

college, he was gone. She was a younger more beautiful woman. My kids have nothing to do with him, and neither do I. Our family is scarred forever.? (Woolum, R.)

Changes in the Self

Certain physical changes (gray hair, thinning hair, dry skin, and liver spots) may be the first kinds of change we experience in midlife. Other changes occur gradually and may become noticeable in the middle years: reduced physical energy, sleep patterns, ease of gaining weight, and changes in ways conducted of lives. While certain changes might seem fairly insignificant, subtle reminders from others (advertisers, family, friends, even strangers) can remind of our own aging. Perhaps your best friend tells you that you have gained a few pounds, or a sales clerk directs you to a rack with more mature clothing. ?I have been confronted with the internal view of myself, yet everyone who sees the external view has seen me as aging.? ( Hiles, T.) What about menopause, one of middle ages official markers? Research has shown that while many women fear menopause before it occurs, their actual experience with the process is much more positive. (Rubin, L.B.) Women enjoy the end of their monthly cycles, and a majority of them do not experience severe physical symptoms. For some, it is the end of their marriage. ?My husband could not deal with my emotions and feelings. He did not understand, and I felt that I would rather deal with this alone. I moved out for about three months, and we were never the same after that. He started exercising with a personal lady trainer, and I was

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never invited, of course. He is with her now, and I am very adjusted to living alone.? (Fox, M.)

Changes Relating to Employment

Midlife changes associated with the working world are varied. Attitudes toward work differ considerably from person to person. A man may be bored with his work after 25 year, while his wife is excited about her first paying job in the same time period. ?I stayed home with our children, which we had from the time we were married, until they were in college. My husband was angered by my desire to work. I later found out why. We lived in a small town, and strangers started telling me where I could find my husband in the mornings. I arrived at a house to find him sleeping with another woman before he went to work. Come to find out, most of the people in the town knew, but they did not want to tell me because of the children. We have been divorced for eleven years now, and I am making it on my own.? (Dreher, T.) The accumulated demands imposed by work and other people put some adults under pressure to the point of losing touch with their individuality. Such people may find it more difficult to cope with middle and old age than those who have had fewer demands to fulfill. Advancement I work shows the mixed outcomes that can follow any kind of change. Work achievement is important to many in the middle years, yet promotions can bring uncomfortable feelings. Gaining more responsibility can produce loneliness and anxiety about successfully meeting new expectations of superiors. It can also mean losing intimate contact with valued co-workers. Comfortable behaviors from the past become uncomfortable. Being put in

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charge of your previous peers makes it stressful for home and work. ?My husband received a promotion from work and he was very intense at home. Our lives were unpleasant because of his emotions. He took it out on all of us.? (Woolum, R)

Different adjustments are required of the midlife adult who becomes unemployed. This might be the most difficult time of life to be unemployed if one has been employed steadily and work is a central part of their identity. The problems at home are especially hard when jobs are scarce and opportunities for retraining are limited. ?Once my husband lost his job it was all over. He felt like a failure to our family, no matter how much we told him different. I became the sole breadwinner for our family, and he could not handle it. He left me ten months after it started.? (Strong, T.)

Early retirement planning is becoming more important as future retirement benefits from the workplace are being scaled back. Careful retirement preparation in the broadest view, gives us more control over our life, a wider range of options, and you will not have to ask yourself, why didn?t I think ahead? If you start to plan ten or more years ahead of time, your adjustment with your spouse will be much smoother.

Changes on the Family Scene

Families are always in an uproar, so we should expect changes in the middle years. It is helpful for grandparents, parents, and adult children to discuss how the lives of all are changing, what help each might need from others, and what each is prepared to do for others. Middle-aged adults may be called on to assist older or younger family members. I know my mother quit her job after I moved out and got married to take care

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of my grandmother. Even though they are still married and about to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, it has put a tremendous strain on their marriage. My mom has special time set aside for caring for my father?s and her needs. It is not easy, but they both discussed it carefully before jumping into it. Whether you are single or married, changes in responsibilities to our parents will shift over time. A major adjustment in midlife is to be ready to be depended upon in new ways. It can be difficult to make this shift if you have depended heavily on a parent?s support for your own life. You do not need to take over your parents? lives or decision-making. You need to be supportive, respect their wishes to conduct their own lives, and assist them when you can. Midlife adults fake a challenge as they help their children become responsible for their own lives. Each generation needs some independence, yet they also need security in knowing someone will be there. Knowing how and when to let go of your children can be confusing, but moving toward the ?empty nest? is supposed to be rewarding. ?It?s a whole different ball game to live without having the boys as my first responsibility. My ex-husband and I lived on a very tight budget worrying about them, you know, always trying to do for them. When we had the money to spend on ourselves, we didn?t know what to do. Even if I just want to spend a few dollars on myself, I can. It was like a whole new life just to go on and do things for myself. That was only part of our problem, we just couldn?t adjust.? (Nichols, S.)

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Losses Can Aid in Growth

Beyond taking on new roles in your midlife, it is also realistic to expect losses. As you see your life fade, and especially when your parents die, you become more aware that your lifetime is limited. For many adults, the process of anticipating a parent?s death and the period of grieving triggers a look back upon your own life. Death of one?s last living parent has been described as losing our protection we have had against facing our own mortality. Losing parents can also prompt one to reminisce about the past and make you aware of the time you have left to accomplish your goals. The growing knowledge of having a limited time left to live is one of the most common changes of midlife. You already know that you will not live forever, but the loss of your youth is more real now. This realization does not necessarily have to be traumatic, depending on your values and beliefs about death, but it does have an emotional impact. ?I remember seeing my father pass this life in that hospital bed. My wife, at the time, and kids were all surrounding him. I looked at his face, and I saw mine. It was the scariest experience in my midlife. I started to think about making changes at that moment.? (Hiles, T.) Facing our death can trigger a review of what our life has meant until now. It can also prompt a serious new look at the future. Losing parents and having a new realization of limited time in our personal lives are two examples of a midlife loss. Losses can bring about chain reactions that affect many aspects of our lives. Experiencing loss does not necessarily mean the end of the world for us. While it is difficult to see any good out of the experience at the time, there is potential for positive personal changes. As one of the interviewees stated a

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moment ago, he saw himself in his fathers face so he started making changes. These changes turned out to be for him and his life and not his family. It helps to be able to express the sorrow of the pain we feel openly with our close loved ones. It is often helpful to be able to talk it out with others and feel their support. Families need to bond together in these times of need. If they are able to accomplish that, they will come out stronger.

Managing Midlife Stress

Each adult responds uniquely to the various responsibilities of midlife. Faced with too many responsibilities at the same time, even the most organized person will need help to contain mental and physical health. Some time away from any stressful responsibility is essential. My mother did not have any of her four brothers or sisters helping her when she first started taking care of my grandmother. They said they were all too busy. Finally they realized my mother?s stress, when she had to be admitted into the hospital and have a heart cauterization. She could not handle all of the responsibilities alone. She had to learn how to manage herself, and she need help to accomplish that goal.

Being Able to Grow as Marriage Partners

Midlife is an ideal time to nurture one?s marital relationship. Strains in midlife marriages are common, as children become adolescents and struggle to show off their separate identities. Concerns about your children can easily crowd out time to attend to the need of a partner. Neglecting your marriage affects not only spouses, but also

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children as well. Depending on the age of the child, the effects of divorce can vary. Small children do not understand what is happening. Preschool children may start acting like babies. Children in school tend to take their anger out on their mother because she is usually the one they live with. School age children also complain more of physical problems. They do this in an attempt to get their mommy and daddy back together again. The effects of divorce on teenagers are often hidden. When parents of teenagers divorce, the teen searches for love and support outside of the family. Teens who have to deal with divorce begin acting out to get attention. With less parental guidance, they start hanging out with the wrong crowd. They sometimes skip school, become involved in drug and alcohol abuse, and girls especially become sexually active. Teenagers who have to deal with divorce are more likely to marry earlier than they otherwise would have. This is because they are trying to get away from the problems of their parents and searching for someone to love them. They fantasize that they can make their marriages last forever. These marriages usually end in divorce also. Children of parents who divorce when they are at college age and above tend to have a rougher time. They are young adults themselves, so they must act like it. They try not to cry or show emotions to either of their parents. Usually a spouse or friends are their support. Holidays are the hardest time for everyone. The have been in a routine for all of these years, and now they have to divide their time to go to both homes. ?My parents split up when I was twenty-two years old. My dad left my mom for another woman. I was very angry with him for a while,

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but we had to make peace. My mom is still very hurt, though. She tries not to say anything to me about my

dad, but sometimes we sit and talk about it. I went away to college with two parents living in a home that I thought was full of love. Now I come home to my lonely mother

and ?my-try-to-act-younger? than he is father.? (Harper, C.) This is why a sound marriage is one of the most valuable contributions parents can make to their children?s lives.

For a personal reflection let?s look at the following from Growing On: Ideas About Aging to give you some things to think about with your spouse:

? What personality traits of your spouse mean a lot to you?

? What are the most important rituals you and your spouse have developed over the years? Perhaps they are birthday and anniversary celebrations, as well as other things with special meaning you have repeated over and over. Don?t overlook the seemingly small, everyday things you look forward to.

? How has your spouse helped you grow as a person?

? How do you feel about this time in your married life: its special satisfactions and the things that concern you?

? What do you enjoy doing as a couple, or individually, to help others?

? How do you feel about the balance of time spent on work, recreation, home responsibilities, and time with family and friends?

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Family Unity and Moral Values

Family value has reference to what we believe about the family. It is concerned with quality of living and how you define quality of living. It basically gets down to what you think is the most important, in other words what you value. The honesty and upbringing for people to be responsible for themselves and humanity have not been present in the upbringing of children today. Many people believe that true family values are the stepping-stones for families to achieve growth of love. They use the following seven principles taken from Divorce and New Beginnings:

1. Make a commitment.

2. Live for the greater whole.

3. Learn true love in the school of the family.

4. Dedicate your own family to the global family of humankind.

5. Strive daily to put the spiritual above the physical.

6. Align with heaven to share blessings on earth.

7. Be sexually pure to create the true culture.

Every family has its own values and few of them are exactly alike. The variations are endless, and there is no single standard that all families can or should use. Because of society changing so much people cannot follow the values of the past. Both parents assisting in the household income is new in today?s society compared to the past. Today?s society requires a family to have two incomes to survive. Also, issues of homosexuals wanting families and diverse couples have caused moral values to change.

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Children are learning values and issues from TV mostly and not there parents. The children will not learn to communicate properly, and their relationships will not be strong. The ?information superhighway? will make it even easier for individuals to lose themselves in non-real worlds at the expense of their real families. People should value their families higher than their fantasies. Since both parents cannot be in the home they should mobilize a set of standards for their babysitter or caregiver. The children should be taught from the beginning how to behave properly. Part of this upbringing is a simple right from wrong. There are things you just cannot and should not do as a respecting human being. The nation and state have done little or nothing to provide help to rebuild families and values. They really should not have to. It should be a parents? responsibility to teach these ethical issues. With values we would not have husbands or wives running off with people half of their age, leaving their family behind.

Life in the Empty Nest

I know a man who had three children spaced fairly close together. He and his wife spent a little over twenty years devoting themselves to raising those kids. A lot of the things they would have liked to do were deferred or passed over in order to give the children the things they need. Finally, the children all finished high school and went away to college. I am sure it was hard the day they drove their last daughter to school several hours away from home. They took her to school and then drove back home. This man went into the den and sat down to read the paper, noticing how quiet the house seemed and probably thinking about all the good things that had happened in that house

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with their children. Then, his wife awakened him from his daydreaming as she stood in the doorway, she told him how unhappy she had been all those years, now she wanted a divorce.? (Dreher, T.) If you are a good parent you have naturally done without some things and have foregone some personal pleasures in order to provide for your children. And now that they have left home, you have more time and money than you used to. Now you are almost forced to consider you spouse more than you have in a long time. If

you have neglected each other for twenty years you may be sitting across the dinner table

from a stranger. A great deal of time together may be as stressful as not having enough time. The time when a couple is more likely to get a divorce is in the first three years of their marriage. However, the second highest rate of divorce occurs in the first three years after the last child leaves the home. (Albrecht, S.) Regardless of how you think you will deal with the empty nest, for Christians it is simply another stage in the journey of life. As you approach this stage in your life, know that God is going to be there with you.

As a Christian partner in a Christian couple there are certain things he would have you to see. This is a natural stage of life, which you need to come is the most obvious one. After a couple of decades in parenting it is hard to realize life with your spouse alone. This time should be enjoyed through what you have both accomplished together. There is a list of activities, which both you and your spouse could engage in together such as the

following: volunteer work, traveling, crafts, or take up a sport. What you have to keep in mind only by giving that one truly receives; and the only way to lose what you have is by

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trying to hang onto it, and that includes your time. Frivolous sports cars and younger mates are not what truly make you happy. The satisfaction of your family closeness should truly make you happy. Enjoying a walk together, an evening out, or a quiet evening alone should be things you do with your spouse of many years after your children are grown. If we would all take time out for the small things all along, we would not have to be forced in trying to remember them so many years later.

Conclusion

Throughout my research for this paper, I have learned a lot about my midlife. As a happily married woman, I want to keep the fire burning for a long time. I meant what I said in ?till death do us part?. Together we both have the faith and devotion to get through anything. Children become a very large distraction in many people?s lives, and they forget the small important things. In writing this paper I have seen how this can occur. My interviews were to the very informative. I mainly just let them tell me their story. They were very honest and open with me. I tried to relax them because I knew I would open up old wounds. I have never written a paper before doing interviews, and I was a little nervous. But everything went very smooth, and I have written a very intellectual challenging paper. I am going to let my family, friends, and the people I have interviewed each read a copy because I feel they will learn something valuable from this just as I have.