The Fall Of The Smurfs Essay, Research Paper

The Fall of the Smurfs

I had hated Smurfs for the longest time. Their little blue forms

annoyed me so, and their high-pitched voices made me want to smash the TV.

So when I decided that I was going to take over their little village and

make the Smurfs pay for what they had d one, I was going to go prepared.

I bought an RV and outfitted it specially for the invasion. I

anticipated being gone for several months, so the RV was well stocked with

food and other supplies. As my main mission was to take over the Smurf

village, I carried with me a number of nets and Smurf traps, all designed

to exacting specifications, for the Smurfs were not stupid, and would

avoid any ordinary traps. I also had a “playroom” and a well-stocked

laboratory, where I would perform my experiments on my unwilling blue

subjects. One side of the RV was lined with cages, each of which could

hold two Smurfs comfortably.

I set out on the first day of spring. The Smurfs are most active

in the spring, when they run around smelling flowers and playing in the

fields and generally being nuisances. I drove all day until I reached the

borders of Smurfland. A little wooden gate, decorated with flowers and

leaves, denoted the entrance to that happy place. I got down from the RV

and kicked it over, smashing it with my foot. I then got my net and a

heavy canvas bag and went out, looking for signs of Smurf.

I found my first Smurf almost immediately. He was looking at his

reflection in a puddle and whistling the Smurf’s theme song. He was so

stupid, he never even noticed me coming up behind him. I got close enough

and whipped the net over his blue form.

“Hey, why’d you do that?”

“Shut up, you little blue creep”, I walked up and looked down on

him. He stared up at me indignantly, putting his blue hands at his hips.

I knelt down, got my hand under the net, and ripped off that little white

diaper thing all of the Smurfs wear. There he was, naked as sin, his

little blue dick hanging out. His hands went down to cover himself, which

I took as an opportunity to give him a good sharp thunk on the nose. As

is well known, that will knock a Smurf out for about a minute. I took

that opportunity to stuff him in the bag and carry him back to the RV. I

put him in the cage and put a padlock on it, since Smurfs are well known

for their escape abilities. I then went back out to continue the search.

Hunting was good. By the time night fell, I had captured five

Smurfs. One of them was the hated Handy Smurf, the others were just your

average stupid Smurf. I took Handy out of his cage, holding him firmly so

that he didn’t squirm away.

“Hey stop that, you can’t do that!”

“I can do whatever I want, you little prick”, I popped him in a

large glass bottle that he couldn’t climb out of. He was still naked, as

were all the other Smurfs, and he covered up his genitals with his hands

again.

“So what’s your name?”

“Handy Smurf.”

“How old are you?”

“In Smurf years?”

“Yes.”

“Twenty-three.”

“Get your hands up.”

“What?”

“Get your hands up, you blue bastard.” I reached in and thumped

him on the head. His hands flew up to rub his head, which was when I

grabbed them, put them behind his back, and tied them with a twisty-tie.

His little blue dick was semi-hard, which I noted in my lab book.

“Why Handy Smurf, you have a hard-on”, I said. He blushed a darker

shade of blue, but said nothing. His erection, though, grew even harder

and longer, which is to say about an inch long.

“So Handy Smurf, have you ever fucked Smurfette?”

“Have I ever done what?”

“Have you ever…smurfed her?”

“Gosh…we Smurfs would never do that!”

“Why not, Handy?”

“Because Papa Smurf would get very mad at us. No one has ever

smurfed Smurfette, its against the law.”

“So…don’t you want to do it though?”

He didn’t answer, but he looked very uncertain. I had what I

wanted though, so I put him back in his cage. I took each Smurf out in

turn, questioning them the same way I had questioned Handy Smurf. All of

them seemed shocked when I suggested they could have their way with

Smurfette, though they all seemed interested in the idea. One Smurf,

though, refused to answer any questions. I named him Stubborn Smurf. He

ran all around the bottle, yelling, “Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf!” I got sick

of this behavior after awhile, so I decided to teach the other Smurfs a

lesson. I took Stubborn out and put him in a small vacuum chamber that I

had on a rolling cart in the lab. The door had a large window, so the

other Smurfs could look in. I rolled it over so the other Smurfs could

see inside and started evacuating the air. I had a microphone inside the

tank, so I could hear Stubborn Smurf. I expected to hear his little

screams, but all he kept saying was, “Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf!” He ran in

circles, dashing himself against the walls of the vacuum chamber. The

other Smurfs yelled encouragement, but Stubborn couldn’t hear them. I was

almost starting to think the Smurfs could live in a vacuum, when I heard a

loud pop, like a balloon. I looked in and saw a thick

blue liquid dripping down the window.

“What did you do with Stubborn?” yelled Handy, his nose pressed

against the bars.

“I killed him, Handy. Stubborn Smurf is dead…he’s never coming

back.”

“But you can’t kill a Smurf…that’s not nice!”

“Shut up Handy, or you’re next.” I grabbed a glass of cold water

and doused him with it.

“Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf!”

“I could see he was scared. That was good, it was my first step

towards conquering the entire Smurf village. I went to my room, the cries

of “Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf” echoing in my ears.

II

The next day dawned clear and sunny. I got up, made a cup of

coffee, and went into the lab. All four Smurfs were asleep. I drew a cup

of cold water and threw it on Handy Smurf. He sputtered awake and said,

“Who did that?”

“Me, you little ingrate.” I ran the cup over the bars on the other

cages, waking up the other Smurfs. They woke up, joyous smiles on their

little blue faces.

“Are you going to let us go today?” they asked, their eyes bright

with promise and hope.

“No…none of you are ever going to go free. In fact, you’ll

probably be working in a Smurf mine by the end of the spring.”

“No we won’t we won’t let you, ” they said in unison. Handy said,

“We’ll tell Papa Smurf on you!”

“I’m going to kill Papa Smurf, in front of the entire Smurf

village, Handy. Then you can be the new leader of the Smurfs. How would

you like that? And then, I’ll even let you smurf Smurfette.” I could

tell he was interested.

“No…I can’t do that!”

“Why not Handy, I know you want to.”

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do Handy…your little dick is getting hard again.”

“No it isn’t…leave me alone…or I’ll tell Papa Smurf on you!”

Handy started sobbing. “Why won’t you let us go…we want to go smell

flowers, play in the fields, gather nuts for the village.” The others

started sobbing too.

“Stop sobbing, Handy, or I’ll put another Smurf in the vacuum

chamber.”

“NO…don’t kill another Smurf…they’re my friends!”

“Someday Handy…you’ll be killing them yourself, just to have a

chance to smurf Smurfette.”

“No I won’t…I never will and you can’t make me!”

“Yes I can and I will, Handy. So now, I’m going to go and catch

more Smurfs.” I left them sobbing and crying for Papa Smurf.

III

By the time the sun went down, I had caught three more Smurfs.

One was Brainy Smurf. I took away their clothes, of course, and I took

away Brainy Smurf’s little horn-rimmed glasses and smashed them under my

heel. I then put Brainy in with Handy. Handy went over and hugged

Brainy, which got them another dousing with cold water. I wanted to start

bringing them away from their touchy-feely emotional state, break them

down to the point where they’d be fighting with each other. I then put

five Smurfs in a cage, which was barely large enough to hold them all. I

rolled a TV/VCR in front of the cage and popped in a special tape. I had

taken some video of Smurfette a while back and digitally altered it so

that Smurfette was doing some really naughty thing s to herself. It

started out with her putting her little blue hand up her little skirt. I

had also added some sound effects, so the caged Smurfs could clearly hear

Smurfette’s moans of “Smurf me, oh please smurf me!” The five Smurfs in

the cage had hug e erections (for a Smurf) and were soon running their

hands over their erect shafts. When Smurfette started screaming, “I’m

smurfing, I’m smurfing!”, all five of them exploded in unison, blue Smurf

juice spraying all over their hands and each other as they chanted

loudly, “Smurf me, smurf me.” I picked out one of the five and threw him

into the vacuum chamber. Soon I heard the Smurf running around yelling

for Papa Smurf, pleading for Papa Smurf to come save him. I had no

intention of killing this Smurf though, not just yet, so I left him there

the entire night, isolated from his Smurf buddies. The other Smurfs

started sobbing too, especially when I turned out all of the lights

(Smurfs hate the dark). It had been another good day, but tomorrow was to

begin my assault on the Smurf village.

IV

I disdained subtlety, so in the morning I just started driving the

RV right over the Smurf’s fields, running over their grains and

strawberries and blueberries and all of the Smurf’s food supplies. A

couple of times I actually got to run over some Smurfs that didn’t get

out of the way in time. Once, one Smurf managed to hang on to the fender

for awhile, yelling for Papa Smurf, but soon he went under the wheels as

well. I heard the pop as they rolled over his little blue head, the last

cry of “Oh my Smurf” sounding out over the roar of the engine. While I

drove, the other Smurfs were in the back watching the Smurfette tape over

and over again. Their little blue dicks were raw from so much beating

off. Handy and Brainy were trying to ignore it, but I knew it wouldn’t be

long before they succumbed as well and started beating off to the video.

I stopped for lunch and went into the back of the RV. All of the Smurfs

except for Handy and Brainy were watching the tape, even the one in the

vacuum chamber was beating his little blue dick. I reached over and

turned off the VCR.

“Turn it back on, please please turn it back on!” they said in

unison, their blue cocks at half-staff.

“I’ll turn it on if you’ll do one thing for me, my Smurfs.”

“What do you want us to do?” one of them said, his hand running

absently over his blue dick.

“I want you to kill the Smurf in the vacuum chamber there. Kill

him, and I’ll give you a whole new Smurfette video to watch.”

“No no we won’t do it”, they all said. But their cocks were saying

yes. I put a new tape in and started it up. This one showed Smurfette

taking a shower in the nude this time, soap bubbles covering her private

parts as she moaned for smurfing. Their cocks sprang to life and they

started beating off furiously, all together. I turned off the tape,

reached in and picked up the Smurf in the vacuum chamber and put him in

the cage with the other four. The four Smurfs had lust-crazed looks in

their eyes.

“Kill him for me…and I’ll let you watch the rest of the video.”

The sight was incredible. All four Smurfs, their eyes glazed over

from twelve hours of continuous video watching, surrounded Bottle Smurf,

as I had come to call him. He yelled at the top of his lungs for Papa

Smurf, but no one could save him as they pr essed in closer. Suddenly all

four Smurfs closed in on Bottle and begin pummeling him with their little

blue fists. “Help me, Handy”, he yelled, but Handy Smurf could do nothing

but sob. I noticed that the erections of all four Smurfs grew when they

st arted in on Bottle Smurf. When one of the Smurfs, possessed by lust

for Smurfette, tore Bottle Smurf’s little tail off, showering the other

three with Smurf vital juices, he came explosively, setting off the other

three Smurfs. The cage was soon splatte red with Smurf juices of all

kinds, as the four Smurfs in their lust literally tore Bottle Smurf limb

from limb. I heard a last cry for Papa Smurf before all fell silent. I

turned the TV back on and started the tape back up, and was instantly

rewarded b y the sounds of Smurfs whacking off. I connected a hose to the

sink and sprayed the cage off, washing away the last remnants of Bottle

Smurf. The other four Smurfs didn’t even notice, as they were engrossed

by the sight of Smurfette running bare-ass naked through a field of

clover. Soon the chant began…”Smurf me, smurf me…”, as they watched

with rapt attention. I noticed Handy and Brainy were watching now as well

(Brainy couldn’t see much, but it was enough), their hands absently

stroking their ne ther regions. Leaving them to their video, I picked up

my net and bag and a 9 mm Glock and went out the door of the RV.

I had parked the RV in the middle of a Smurf potato farm. Three

Smurfs were waiting about ten feet away. One had a rake, which was the

first time I had ever seen one carry something that could hurt me. The

others didn’t carry anything. I decided I was going to be careful.

“Why did you park that in the middle of my farm, I was going to

pick potatoes today,” the Smurf with the rake whined. I named him Farmer

Smurf.

“Because I wanted to, Farmer Smurf.”

“Well, you’d better leave or I’ll tell Papa Smurf on you!”

“Fuck Papa Smurf!” I targeted the one to the right of Farmer Smurf

and fired. The bullet impacted him in the gut and passed through. Pieces

of Smurf flew through the air. “Help me Papa Smurf,” were his last words

as he dropped to the ground face firs t, bouncing on his bulbous blue nose

before he was silenced forever.

“Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf!” the other two yelled and started running

back towards the Smurf village. I started after them, my much longer

stride catching me up after only a few seconds. I slipped the net over

Farmer Smurf and bonked him on the nose, knocking him out. I let the

other Smurf get about twenty yards away. He thought I had given up, the

idiot, and started walking and whistling the Smurf’s theme song. I fired.

The hollow point bullet smashed into the back of his head, and sent Smurf

brains (which are blue as well) about twenty feet out the front. He was

one dead Smurf. I took Farmer Smurf back to the RV and put him in with

Handy and Brainy. The other Smurfs were still watching the video and I

noticed that in the cage with the four Smurfs , one Smurf had gotten

behind another Smurf and was whacking that Smurf’s dick off for him.

“So you all want to go out and smurf with Smurfette,” I asked.

“Yes we do!” they all said in unison, except for Farmer and Handy.

“Good. Before I let you do that though, there’s one thing I want

you to do for me, my Smurfs.”

“What do you want, sir!” they all said.

“I want you to go out and bring me Papa Smurf…alive. If you do

that, I’ll let you see another video, and then I’ll let you all smurf

Smurfette.”

Handy Smurf had not said a word during all of this, but suddenly

he got up and went to the bars of his cage and said, “Don’t do it,

Smurfs…think of the village, our Smurf homes!”

“It’s too late, Handy, they’ve gone over.”

“No, they haven’t. All they need is love and affection and…”

“Sex, Handy. They need sex.” I grabbed Farmer by his little blue

tail and dangled him above their cage. He struggled but it was no use.

“If you don’t bring back Papa Smurf, this is what will happen to you.” I

opened the door to the microwave and threw Farmer in head first. “Ouch!”

he said, as he pressed his nose against the glass window in the door.

“Help me, Handy, help me!” I set the microwave on high and turned it on.

He pounded at the door with his little blue fists, crying for another

Smurf to save him, but no Smurf could. Handy and Brainy were sobbing, but

the other Smurfs had totally blank expressions on their little blue faces.

It only took about a minute. Suddenly, Farmer Smurf burst into flames, he

became a Smurf fireball! I opened the door and he leaped out, running in

circles, yelling, “Put me out, put me out Smurfs.” He did this for about

thirty seconds before he let out a final cry of “Oh my Smurf!” and

exploded into a pile of dust and ash. I noted that in the lab book.

“Farmer!” Handy cried. “Why did you kill Farmer Smurf, he was my

friend!”

“Because I wanted to, Handy.”

“Why are you so mean to us? We never hurt you!”

“Because I want to be, Handy. In fact, I might kill all the Smurfs

but you. You’d be the only Smurf left in the whole world. You’d never

see another Smurf again, Handy. I’d keep you in a cage and make you watch

videos of the Smurfs playing and smelli ng flowers. Then I’d make you

watch videos of the luscious Smurfette. You’ll never smurf her, Handy,

unless you do what I say.”

“No…please don’t hurt any more Smurfs!”

“Too late, Handy, you had your chance.” I took Brainy Smurf out of

Handy’s cage and put him in another one, isolating Handy Smurf. He rolled

into a ball and started sobbing, “Smurf me…oh Smurfs.” Every other

Smurf stared blankly into space, waiting for my command.

“Ok Smurfs, I want you to do one thing for me. Bring Papa Smurf to

me…alive. Do that, my Smurfs, and I’ll let you watch another Smurfette

video.”

“Hooray!” they all said, eager to be at their task. They crowded

at the doors of their cages, ready to go and find Papa Smurf for me. I

let out all of the Smurfs except Handy and Brainy. Opening the door to

the RV, they trooped out, blank expressions on their faces, whistling the

Smurf’s theme song. I had attached a small camera to the cap of one of

the Smurfs, so I was able to see what they were doing. I turned a monitor

on to watch the proceedings. The four Smurfs ran towards the village,

still n aked, of course. Several Smurfs were out and about and looked at

the quartet as they ran into the village. One Smurf ran towards the

group, obviously recognizing one of them, but they walked right past him.

He started running alongside. I had a microp hone mounted on the camera

so I could also hear what was going on.

“Builder Smurf, want to go smurfing on the lake tonight?” the

newcomer asked.

“Must get Papa Smurf”, they all said together.

“But…but Papa Smurf’s asleep, you can’t go wake him up.!”

“Must get Papa Smurf so we can smurf Smurfette.”

“Hey, we can’t smurf with Smurfette, that’s against the law.”

I had also put a small speaker inside the ear of one of the

Smurfs. I picked up a microphone and said, “Kill that Smurf for me.”

“Hey…what happened to your clothes, Papa Smurf is…no stay

away…help me help me Papaaa…”

The monitor showed my Smurfs attacking the other Smurf. I saw

Builder Smurf tear the other Smurf’s little blue tail off, which prompted

a new cry for help, but none came, and soon the ground was covered with

Smurf parts and Smurf vital juices. My Smurf s started towards the house

on the hill, the house of Papa Smurf. They got to the gate and swarmed

over. Papa Smurf was already waiting, having heard the commotion outside.

“My Smurfs, what is wrong? Why aren’t you wearing any clothes?”

“You must come with us, Papa Smurf.”

“Where are we going?”

“We have to take you to our leader. Then we can smurf Smurfette.”

“What…you know that’s against the law, my Smurfs. And I’m your

leader…what’s happened…hey, let go of me Smurfs!”

My Smurfs had hoisted Papa Smurf on their shoulders. He

struggled, but he was an old Smurf, and he was no match for four young

Smurfs. They ran down the hill and begin walking through the Smurf

village. They had reached the outskirts when a voice call ed out, “Where

are you taking Papa Smurf?”

It was Smurfette. She had on a little blue dress with flowers.

The four Smurfs stopped and turned as one towards her.

“Smurfette, come with us while we take Papa Smurf to our leader.

Then we’ll smurf you!” they all said.

“No!” She sounded terrified. “We can’t smurf, you know that. Put

Papa Smurf down and I’ll make you some tea and cookies.”

I took hold of the microphone and said, “Bring Papa Smurf to me,

now!”

“Must take Papa Smurf, ” they said as one. “But we’ll be back for

you later, Smurfette! We’re going to smurf you all night long!” I didn’t

know if she noticed, but each Smurf had an enormous erection. They jogged

on past carrying Papa Smurf while S murfette ran inside her little house

and closed the door. Not that it mattered, I could open it for my Smurfs

if they needed it.

It only took a few minutes before I heard some little knocks. It

was my Smurfs, and they carried with them the leader of the entire Smurf

village, Papa Smurf.

“Ah, Papa Smurf, so glad you could join us, ” I said, picking him

up.

“Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf, you’ve come to rescue us,” Handy Smurf

said from his cage. He got a dousing of cold water for that. He went

into a corner and started sobbing again.

“Let go of me, and all of my Smurfs.”

“I don’t think so, Papa Smurf.” I opened one of the cages and

threw him in. “You see, I’m going to take over as the leader of the

Smurfs. More like a dictatorship, I guess. Anyway, all of the Smurfs

will be mining gold for me soon, Papa Smurf. You c an either continue to

lead peacefully, or die in front of all of your Smurfs. The choice is

yours.” Behind me, all four of my Smurfs had gone back into their cage.

I popped in another tape. This time, it showed Smurfette being smurfed by

a 3D-Studio generated Smurf. It was all fake, of course, but the sounds

were real enough for my Smurfs. All four were beating off together.

Handy and Brainy were watching as well, and I noticed their Smurf dicks

were getting hard too.

“Don’t watch, my Smurfs, he’s trying to brainwash you!” Papa Smurf

said loudly. That got him a first dousing with cold water. On the

screen, Smurfette was getting it from behind. “Ohhh, make me

smurfffffffffffff!” she screamed and this time every Smurf but Papa Smurf

flooded his hand with Smurf juice. Then Smurfette turned around and took

her Smurf lover’s tool deep inside her mouth, slurping lustfully.

“Oh…suck on my smurf Smurfette,” the voice came from the lover’s lips as

he thrust in and out of

Smurfette’s mouth.

“And besides, Papa Smurf…if you don’t cooperate, this is what

will happen to every Smurf.” I grabbed Handy out of his cage and with one

swift motion, tore off his little blue tail. Smurf vital juices sprayed

out as Handy let out a yelp and begin call ing for Papa Smurf to save his

miserable little existence. I wasn’t ready to get rid of Handy just yet,

so I took a piece of duct tape and slapped it over the place where his

tail had once been, and threw him in with Papa Smurf. Handy went over to

Papa Smurf for a hug, which quickly got both of them a cold-water dousing.

Handy started bawling like a baby when I wouldn’t let him get his hug from

Papa Smurf, but I didn’t care. He tried twice more, but each time he got

a glass of ice-cold water in the fa ce for his troubles.

“Pleaseee…I need a hugggg!” he cried, his little blue face buried

in his hands.

“Shut up Handy, or I’ll throw your Papa Smurf in the vacuum chamber.”

“Pleaseeee…Papa Smurffffffff!”

“Why won’t you let me hug Handy Smurf…he’s hurt,” Papa Smurf

cried. He tried to get closer to Handy, who was rolled up in a corner

sobbing his eyes out, but all that got him was another glass of cold water

on top of Handy Smurf.

“Because I don’t want you to hug anyone, Papa Smurf. No Smurf will

ever hug another Smurf again, unless it’s like my friends in the cage

there.” I pointed to the cage, where my Smurfs had formed a daisy-chain,

each Smurf whacking off the Smurf in front

of him, all chanting, “Smurf me, smurf me.”

“Please let me and all my Smurfs go…I’ll give you all the gold in

the village,” Papa Smurf said, tears starting to well up in his eyes. I

think he was starting to see that I was no Gargomel.

“Shut up, Papa Smurf.” I grabbed him and put him in a metal box.

The box only had two tiny airholes, so there was almost no light going

inside. I went to bed, Handy still sobbing as he sat in the corner of his

cage, and my Smurfs still beating each ot her off.

V

The next day I woke up and decided to teach Papa Smurf a lesson.

I took him out of the box and put him back in the cage with Handy, only

this time he didn’t go over to try and give him a hug. Handy was fast

asleep, so I solved that by rattling my coffe e cup against the bars. He

woke up, saw where he was at, and started sobbing again. He was such a

stupid Smurf. I then grabbed Brainy out of his cage and placed him on the

lab table, telling him to stay put. After seeing what had happened to

other Smu rfs who had disobeyed me, he probably figured this was not the

time nor the place to stage an escape.

“You know, Papa Smurf…I’ve often wondered what would happen to a

Smurf exposed to very cold temperatures…after all, I don’t think you get

snow in the Smurf village. Well, let’s find out.” I grabbed a pair of

tongs from a drawer. Brainy started to get up and run, but I was too

quick for him, and got the tongs around his little blue head. I held him

firmly in one hand while I unscrewed the top of a large, thermos-like

apparatus with the other. “This is a container of liquid nitrogen…let’s

see wh at happens to Brainy, shall we.” With one swift motion and a last

cry of Papa Smurf, I plunged Brainy into the thermos.

“Help me Papa Smuuurrrrf,” were the last words of Brainy Smurf, as

the liquid nitrogen boiled around him. I waited several minutes, then

brought him back out. He was a Smurfcicle, as the liquid nitrogen had

frozen him through and through.

“I’m going to do this to one Smurf every hour, Papa Smurf, unless

you do what I say.” I banged the tongs against the edge of the table.

Brainy Smurf shattered into about a hundred pieces.

“Brainy!” Papa Smurf cried as pieces of his friend tinkled on the

floor like shards of glass.

“I love the sound of dead Smurf in the morning”, as I got up to

search for more victims.

VI

By nightfall I had collected three more Smurfs to add to my

prisoners. One was the Poetry Smurf, he went into the cage with Handy and

Papa Smurf. The other two went into the cage with the other four to watch

the Smurfette video. It wasn’t long before they were starting to stroke

their Smurf dicks. Poetry Smurf, on the other hand, started in almost

immediatley:

“Why have you put us

All in this cage

When we could be out

Gathering parsely and sage”

Smurfs are so happy

Joyous and free

As soon as you know us

I”m sure you’ll agree”

“Shut up, Poet.” I said as I thumped him on the head and stripped

him of his clothes. Handy was rubbing the spot where his tail had once

been and with Papa Smurf in the same cage, was trying to ignore the

Smurfette video. I looked outside and saw a num ber of Smurfs gathering

outside the RV, there must have been twenty Smurfs out there.

Unfortunatley, Smurfette was nowhere to be seen. I would attend to her

later, though, right now I was going to go out and bag as many Smurfs as I

could. Grabbing my G lock, a large net, and a little can of lighter

fluid, I stepped outside to meet the Smurfs.

“Hello there, Smurfs,” I said. “It’s a fine day to go Smurfing,

wouldn’t you say?”

One Smurf came to the front and stood about five feet away from

me, the others held back. “Where do you have Papa Smurf?” he asked, his

little voice trembling in fear.

“I have him inside. But you don’t have to worry about Papa Smurf,

I’m your new leader now.”

“No you aren’t!” they all said in unison. “We only follow the

great Papa Smurf…there’s no other Smurf like him!”

“La-da-da-da-de-da….la-la-la-la-la”, they whistled. I whipped out the

net just as they finished and threw it over the group, catching about

twelve Smurfs. Eight managed to evade the net and go running towards the

village, calling for Papa Smurf. Five never made it, as they couldn’t

outrun a bullet. When I was done, Smurf parts littered the outskirts of

the Smurf village. Just for fu n, I took shots at some of their

buildings, blasting them and the Smurfs inside them apart in an orgy of

destruction that the Smurfs had never seen. Soon Smurfs were running all

over the streets, calling for Papa Smurf, yelling “Oh my Smurf” when

another one of their homes was destroyed. I walked over and found one

Smurf that hadn’t been killed outright, though he was missing a leg and

his little blue tail. I picked him up and brought him over to the RV.

The Smurfs under the net had been trying to get out, but there was no way

they would be able to, the net was too heavy. I tossed the injured Smurf

to the ground and sprayed him with lighter fluid. “Ouuuccchhhhh…please

help me Papa Smurf, it hurrrts.” As the Smurfs watched, I stuck a match

and lit the injured Smurf ablaze. He got up on one foot and tried to hop

to the village and the house of Papa Smurf, but he succumbed quickly to

the flames, and in thirty seconds blew up in an explosion similar to the

one that had taken Farmer Smurf. The Smurf s under the net started

sobbing and crying. I went and picked up another injured Smurf, tossed

him about twenty feet in the air, and plugged him with a bullet from the

Glock. Smurf parts flew everywhere as the Smurf blew apart from the force

of the bullet. I then grabbed one from under the net and pulled off his

little blue tail. He cried out for Papa Smurf to help him as Smurf vital

juices sprayed out from where his tail had once been, but