John Doe Essay, Research Paper

If you find the other part(s) to this book then contact me, I can

be found on many US and UK Boards and on internet as

@{b}[email protected]@{ub}

A lot of this @{i}information@{ui} is only of use to Americans but I’m

sure you can find a way of performing the same sort of things here in

the UK.

@ENDNODE

@NODE HELP “Doh!”

Oops don’t you know how to use Amigaguide then? Dopey aren’t we…

@ENDNODE

@NODE ADDITIVES “Additives”

Harmful additives are a formidable weapon against machinery, people, and

processes. Additives perform one or more of the following:

1) Corrosion…sulfuric acid, for example, will corrode the gutter, eaves, and

downspout of a home; dumped salt will mar a building surface or floor and

kill a lawn.

2) Contamination…copper salts will rot rubber products; soap in a public or

corporate fountain will create giant foam. Or put it in a steam boiler if

you’re more serious about the matter.

3) Abrasion…introduction of light, coarse materials, such as resins, to

automotive fuel, or metal filings placed in the gears of industrial

machinery, will create frictional havoc.

4) Impurities…adding sugar to gasoline greates harmful carbon from the

burning sugar, stopping the engine.

Soaps and detergents make wonderful additions to food and could even be

beneficial if the target happens to be constipated. If not, then soap-laden

munchies or drinks will really keep him moving.

During my stay as an invited guest of Uncle Sam I recall some dirty

tricksters’ making an action statement against being in KP. They liberally

coated various pans and cooking vessels with GI soap. They washed mugs with a

lot of soap, then neglected to rinse them before letting the utensils dry.

Later, when some drinkable potion like milk or coffee was poured into the mug

by some unsuspecting mark, the soap was activated. Whoosh!

Soap is also a very effective additive to containers in which food is

prepared. The secret is to disguise the taste. Various other additives will

do that and other tricks.

A horny old pharmacist, Doctor Frank Pittlover, claims there really is a

working aphrodisiac. His is almost as esoteric as the fake stuff you read

about in men’s magazines. Here’s what Doctor Pittlover says: “It’s known as

yohimmbine hydrochloride (C21, H23, O3N2), an obscure sex stimulant that

operates on the central nervous system. It was the aphrodisiac used by the

CIA in their MK/ULTRA scam.” It is not on the Central Substances Act list

–yet–and it is classed as a “veterinary aphrodisiac.” That means you can

get it openly from a pharmaceutical supply source. What you do with it after

you get it is probably your own business.

There are other references to and uses of additives in many other topical

areas of your revenge…many more than could be indexed here.

“Take tea and see” is a good advertising slogan that should also alert

the dirty trickster to some additives brought to our attention by herbal-tea

producers. Two common products of many herbal teas have side effects that the

trickster could define only as delightful. First, some teas contain the

leaves, flowers, and the bark of senna plant, a tropical shrub related to our

bean plant. The dried leaves, bark, and flowers of this plant are a mighty

powerful laxative. Chamomile flowers are also popular in herbal teas.

Related to ragweed and goldenrod, chamomile can produce severe reactions in

people sensitive to plants of that family.

The trick in both cases is to obtain extracts of both products and use

them in concentrated enough additive form to create the desired effect.

Meanwhile, from the other end, Doctor Christopher Garwood Doyle has a

prescription that could really get amark moving. Syrup of ipecac is a common

purgative, easily available. Here’s how Doctor Goyle uses it.

“Your mark is with you or your agent somewhere having a few drinks,” the

doctor outlines. “Presumably, the mark is drinking something sweet and heavy,

like rum and Coke. When the mark goes to the bathroom or is otherwise out of

the area, mix one tablespoon of syrup in ipecac in with the drink.

“You now have a fifteen-minute waiting–or escaping, if you prefer–

period for the mixture to get active. After that, bombs away! The mark will

begin violent projectile vomiting, which really messes up the nearby

environment and anyone else who happens to be the way.

“We first did this in medical school, using to get back at a classmate

who’d turned us in to officials for having an after-hours party in our dorm

with women and booze. They threw the book at us because we were supposed to

be mature medical students.

“The student who did this fancied himself as a real boozer,” Doctor Doyle

explained, “but he really was a hell of a hypocrite about it and really played

pious when he turned us in. So we figured he who tattles about booze shall

also toss his booze.”

Doctor Doyle reports that this additive will work easily with

non-alcoholic drinks, too. He says the secret is to select a carrier drink

that will hide the taste and consistency of the syrup.

Another good remedy for a hotshot is cascara sagrada, made from the dried

root of a thorny shrub found on the American West Coast. It produces violent

diarrhea. Once, Joe Kascaba introduced some cascara sagranda into a mark’s

orange juice. The mark was with his girlfriend and her parents in their

family car. He had the “juiced” orange juice about ten minutes before getting

into the car.

Kascaba reminisced, “The stuff’s fast acting, and we were lucky to have

the girlfriend’s brother as our ally, to report the action. It hit the mark

about six minutes into the trip, and in another minute he didn’t even have

time to yell for them to pull over. He just started letting go with loud,

wet, explosive bursts.

“This is all in full witness of his girlfriend and her family in a

tightly packed auto. He couldn’t get stopped, either. They took him to a

hospital, but by then the additive was through his system and the storm had

subsided. That surely is super powerful stuff.”

Kascaba explained why he had taken action this explosive action, saying,

“The guy was a real creep. He was always trying to make out with other girls,

and since he wasn’t very smooth, he used to get them drunk. This was always

with other girls, of course–his regular girlfriend knew nothing about all of

this.

“Well, one night he pulled this crap on a friend of mine, got her drunk,

messed around…she got this feeling all guilty and emotional, then got sick

–puked, in fact. He thought he was macho stuff and gave her hell for it.

“We figured if he was going to act like such a *censored*…well, I’m sure you

understand….”

The above trick is suggested to be used in such a place so that your mark

can not easily reach a bathroom within a few minutes after the attack hits.

This will cause him to literally *censored* his pants and drip at the heels.

As a final note, Kascaba says not to use this powerful additive with

older folks, because it weaken them to the point of very seroius medical

complications such as dehyrdration which may kill them. Have some respect for

the elderly, think of your grandmother!

The following trick is technically a substitution and not an additive: I

know of one person who visited her mark’s home and emptied the hair

conditioner out of his bottle, then poured Neet hair remover into the

conditioner bottle. She knew that Operation Substitute was a bald success

when she saw her mark in a local store several weeks later, wearing a large

scarf on his head.

Vinegar makes a great substitute for nose drops or in nasal-spray

devices. One especially nasty person also suggested it for use in eye drops.

I’m not sure about that one though, sight’s a precious thing. You’d better

reserve that one for a very deserving person that shot your dog, wrecked your

computer, busted you for phreaking, etc.

@ENDNODE

@NODE AIRLINES “Airlines”

Arrange to have a friend meet you at the terminal gate when you deplane.

Give your friend your baggage claim checks and have him/her retrieve your bags

from the carousel, then leave the baggage area with your bags. Before your

friend leaves the airport with your luggage, be sure to get your claim checks

back. Then, you saunter over to the baggage area, spend half an hour waiting

for your bags. Ask some clerks for help, then report your “missing” luggage,

showing your claim checks as proof. Very few flights ever have a clerk

actually check the baggage and collect claim checks. It’s foolish, but they

don’t. Make a polite, but firm scene and demand satisfaction. Normally, the

airline people will have you fill out a form and they will attempt to find

your luggage. Obviously, they won’t find it. Bug them some…write them

letters. Soon, you should get a good settlement from the airline. Don’t try

to pull this one on the same airline more than once!

Leaving the airlines and aiming for the individual mark, you can do a lot of

personal damage. For instance, if you find your mark is going to use airline

travel, you could call and cancel the reservations.

You might try to slip a couple rounds of pistol ammunition or a switchblade

in to your mark’s pocket just before he goes through the metal detector at the

airport terminal. You could also slip some drugs into his pocket at the same

time. Read a book on pick pocketing to note the technique for doing this.

It’s quite easy. Leave accurate-looking, but totally bogus hijack scenario

plans, bomb diagrams, or orders of battle for terrorist attacks in airport

bars and restrooms. This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real security

people. The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers create

unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines. Naturally, the blame

for these plans must focus on your mark. If he has really been bugging you

it’s about time to get even!

Leaving the airlines and aiming for individual mark, you can do a lot of

personal damage. For instance, if you find that your mark is going to use

airline travel and there are only a few travel agents in town, you could call

until you find the correct one and cancel the reservations. Or if you know

the name of the airline, call their office and cancel the mark’s reservations.

You might try to slip a couple of rounds of pistol ammunition or a

switchblade knife into your mark’s pocket just before he goes through the

metal detector at the airport terminal. You could also slip some drugs into

his pocket at the same time. Read a book on pickpocketing to note the

technique for doing this. It’s quite easy since you are placing stuff back.

Bill Cutcheon sometimes poses as a Moonie, Hare Krishna devotee, or other

cultist and goes to airports. His goal is to act like a completely obnoxious

fool. He really hams it up, usually getting tossed out after totally grossing

out the passengers. The heat, of course, falls equally on the cults and on

the airport for letting “them” behave like that.

Another Cutcheon stunt is to leave accurate-looking but totally bogus

hijack scenario plans, bomb diagrams, or orders for terrorists attacks in

airport bars and restrooms. This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real

security people. The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers

create unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines.

Naturally, thew blame for these plans must focus on the original

perpetrator of Cutcheon’s problems. He says, “If some nut group’s been

hassling me for money, messing in my neighborhood, or otherwise being

obnoxious, I’ll leave evidence to pin the hijack or bomb rap on them. I got

back at a motorcycle gang by doing this once, after they had sideswiped

my truck and refused to pay damages.”

He also explains that this is a good vengeance grabber against an airport

facility that has offended you.

Mitch Egan of San Francisco doesn’t like cultist panhandlers harassing

people at airports, so he founded the Fellowship to Resist Organized Groups

Involved in Exploitation, or FROGIE. Egan and his friends use those little

metal clickers shaped like frogs to ward of religious solicitors.

According to Egan, thousands of people across the country are now armed

with the little metal frogs, and when a religious panhandler approaches, they

whip out the clicker and “Click, click, click!” the pest away.

“In San Francisco, I saw two hundred people clicking away at a Krishna,”

Egan remarked. “They blew her right out of her socks.”

He adds, “If God wants a dollar from me, he can ask for it. I’m not

against religion, but I’m fed up with organized beggars.”

Relief is just a click away.

I knew a chap who became annoyed at a Krishna who followed him out of the

Indianapolis airport, verbally abusing him for not making a contribution.

Having surreptitiously “armed and primed” himself, our hero suddenly stopped,

whipped around, and pissed all over the startled harridan. After the few

necessary seconds of attack, he calmly replaced himself, zipped up, and walked

away. A bemused security cop nearby tried to hide his laughter.

@ENDNODE

@NODE ANIMALS “Animals”

If your mark is an oily cuss with a credibility problem you should easily

pull off this stunt. It involves a cop, reporters, SPCA folks and some farm

animals. Call the police and tell them you know about a cock or dog fight

that’s being held at your mark’s home. Explain that you have no morals

against animal fighting but you lost big money there last time and think the

fights are fixed. Next call your mark and report to him that some people

are holding dog or cock fights on his property. Call the reporters and SPCA

and tell them all about the fight. Mention that your mark and the cops have

a payoff relationship. Give everyone the same general arrival time, never be

too specific. Hopefully, all will sort of show up at the same time. You might

manipulate things so the press and animal lovers show up first. Even if a

real story doesn’t develop, you have scattered some strong seeds of distrust.

If you want a stronger story, find a dead dog on the road or something and

plant it near by and tell the reporters and SPCA where to find the evidence.

It will be fun to hear your mark and the cops talk about everything to the

reporters.

Dead animals are very useful. Wait until your mark goes on a trip and will

be leaving his car or house empty for several days. Get into the car

or house and stuff very large and very dead animals everywhere. Your mark will

probably have to sell his car and fumigate his house when he returns.

If you are bothered by big dogs chasing you just take a good quality

plastic water pistol and fill it with freshly squeezed lemon juice. Shoot

the furball right in the eyes and it’ll soon stop the canine harassment.

@ENDNODE

@NODE APARTMENTS “Apartments”

Your mark lives in an apartment? A squirt or so of Eastman 910 or a

similar type glue into the lock can screw up the mark’s trying to get back

into the apartment after an evening on the town. It’s best to save this one

until late evening or on a weekend. Of course, this same stunt would work on

a house, but an apartment lockout disturbance causes more of a public scene.

If the mark’s apartment is an older building with wooden door frames and

you can work quitly and quickly at night, you can lock him/her in the

apartment from the outside. Quietly fix a hasp and keeper on the door and

frame using wooden screws. Then slap a padlock on the new fixture. It

creates a great deal of frustration if that door is the only way out of the

apartment. Do it late Saturday night so the discovery is made on Sunday

morning when it’s impossible to get help.

Run a classified ad offering to sublet the mark’s apartment. You can

list either the mark’s telephone number or that of his/her landlord. As

usual, make the contact hour for very early in the morning “because of

shift-work schedule.”

You might want to make a “milk run” to the mark’s apartment very early on

several mornings and place a whole bunch of empty booze bottles outside his or

her door. This works well in ritzy apartments where the neighbors are snobs.

How do you get by the security people? One way is to pose as a delivery

person, a service person, a building inspector, or someone on a work crew.

You can also hire an accomplice in the building, or you can bribe the door

guard.

Suppose you are the victim of a nasty landlord who evicts you for no good

reason. There are lots of legal ways to get your tenant’s rights, but there

are also many quasi-legal and illegal ways that are much more fun. For

example, you could simply “sublet” the place, on your own, to a bunch of

dopers, bikers, drunks, hookers, runaways, or twenty-four-hour party throwers.

Make this extracuricular subletting your going-away surprise.

Another person I know went to the local animal shelter on several

different days and got a total of fifteen cats for twenty-five dollars. He

bought a bunch of cat food and a bushel basket of fish, and filled his bathtub

with water for them. He then nailed every window and door shut from the

inside before crawling out the tiny casement window in the basement. He had

previously nailed the basement door shut behind him. Obviously, he had moved

his things out several days previously. His eviction notice was effective the

next day, but the landlord didn’t check on the house for five days. My God,

what a mistake that man made. To say that that cat house was an uninhabitable

mess is an understatement.

Tim Carroll was tossed out of his apartment by the landlady because one

of Tim’s many lady friends stayed over for the whole entire evening. This

upset the old biddy who owened the building, and being a staunch, God-fearing

charter member of the DAR, she canceled his lease and ordered him to leave the

building.

Displeased with the abitrary and unilateral treatment and the upheaveal

caused by her dubious moral judgement, Tim didn’t get angry; he got even. He

had a trusted friend place a large sign in a hallway window of the landlady’s

apartment building. The seventh-floor window faced a busy business street,

and the sign was quite visible to many hundreds of people.

The sign read: TIM CARROLL SUCKS.

The landlady didn’t see the sign, so two days later, Tim’s friend

positioned another sign, this time in a sixth-floor-hall window.

The second sign read: TIM CARROLL IS A FAG.

The landlady saw both signs and removed them. Two days later, she got a

letter from Tim, with a picture enclosed showing her building with the signs

easily visible. The letter was Tim’s complaint about personal slander and

harassment. He asked her please to desist.

Sometime early the next morning, in time for rush-hour morning traffic, a

new sign went up in the window: TIM CARROLL BLOWS DEAD BEARS.

At 8:30 A.M., the unsuspecting landlady recieved a call from an attorney

friend of Tim’s, citing the original slander and warning the woman against

further incidents. Shaken, she swore her innocence. Ten minutes after

hanging up, he called back, sounding furious because Tim had just called him

about the latest sign. Flabbergasted, the old lady swore she would remove it

and loudly proclaim her innocence.

Another sign went up that afternoon in time for rush-hour the other way:

TIM CARROLL IS A FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL.

The landlady got the lawyer’s call just after dark, when the sign was no

longer visible. She was almost in tears because of his threats to sue. She

begged to just talk to Tim, to tell him none of this was her doing. The

attorney told her that he had advised his client to have no further

discussions with her.

The next day’s sign read: FOR A GOOD LAY, CALL TIM CARROLL.

That evening, a new sign went up. The landlady, frantic, according to

Tim’s friend who was putting up the signs, got to it fifteen minutes after it

went up. The attorney called her five minutes after she go back to her own

apartment.

Tim related, “You might feel almost sorry for the old lady, except that

she had told me earlier that she was going to keep my security deposit and

that I would have to forfeit the month’s rent I had paid in advance because I

had violated the morality clause in my lease. The was no such clause. I

found out she had done this same thing to two other guys a year before and

some guys before that. She also tossed out a couple because they weren’t

married. She’d come into your room when you were gone and snoop, too. That

bugged me.”

No signs went up for the next three days, although the woman checked the

windows every twenty minutes or so. On the fourth day, hundreds of passersby,

accustomed to the signs weren’t disappointed.

The new sign read: TIM CARROLL’S WHOREHOUSE.

Although it took her an hour to discover and remove it, the lawyer friend

of Tim’s didn’t call until the next morning, when a new sign was in the

window: WHOREHOUSE UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. The landlady’s telephone number was

listed.

A second sign was placed on the sixth-floor window underneath: TIM

CARROLL COULDN’T BEAT THE COMPETITION.

In his best tones, the attorney explained that enough was enough and that

on behalf of his client, Mr. Carroll, he would be filing an action. The woman

was distraught. He told her to have her attorney present for a meeting at

three the following afternoon. He asked her who attorney was and said the

meeting should be in his office. Tim and his attorney postponed this meeting

several times, then told the woman that since she had stopped putting up the

signs, they would hold the suit in limbo for the time.

Reportedly, she monitored the halls and windows of that building

regularly for five months. But more importantly, she also left her tenants to

their own moral lives.

@ENDNODE

@NODE ASSASSINATION “Assassination”

Suppose you have a mark whose ill temper has created problems for you.

Or perhaps this mark is simply an obnoxious nut whose obsessions have cost you

personally. A dentist I know spent many unselfish hours working to get

flouride into his community’s drinking water as a means of fighting tooth

decay in children. An apolitical and highly dedicated professional, he was

concerned only with healthcare for the kids in the community. A hyper,

rightwing zealot jumped on the issue and scared the town council with his

insane babble. He claimed that flouride was a Communist plot to poison

America’s drinking water and minds and that using flouride would lead to LSD

as part of the International Communist Conspiracy. The timid council voted

“no” on flouride.

Beside himself, the young dentist said he surely would like to get back

at the rightwing firebrand but just didn’t know what to do. Sighing, he gave

up his fight and put his time back into his practice. The kids never got

their flouride treatment, and as a result he had a lot of business. It’s too

bad that young dentist never met Maurice Bishop.

In the hypocritical piety following the assassinations of the sixties,

physical security was supposedly tightened to protect the chief executive

chosen by the power brokers who now control the United States. A former

law-enforcement official with a probable intelligence background offered an

astounding dirty trick related to this topic. To protect this source’s

identity we’ll use the cover name of Maurice Bishop.

Bishop says that the CIA, FBI and Secret Service all keep a list of nut

cases, radicals, and others who threaten political figures. Often, these

people are jailed, kept under protective custody, or placed under

twenty-four-hour surveillance by autorities when poltical targets are in the

area. Bishop’s idea calls for theatening telegrams to be sent to the

politician in the mark’s name. At the very least this telegram will bring a

visit by one of the government agencies, and perhaps it will result in a bit

of jail time if the mark loses his/her cool as a result of this dirty trick.

Bishop says this will also work with state officials, bringing a visit

from state police or some other law enforcement official.

@ENDNODE

@NODE AUTO_DEALERS “Auto Dealers”

If an automobile dealership screws you, on either the car, the deal, or

the service, don’t get angry–get even. Wait outside the showroom until a

prospective customer starts talking to a salesperson about the same type of

car you got. Walk right up to the customer and tell him you woeful story.

The idea is to screw up as many sales as you can (it will cost the dealer at

least $5000 for each screw-up). Be factual, be cool, and act as if you’re an

honest citizen trying to save another honest citizen some money and heartache

–as you wish someone had done for you. Sincere good faith is the thing here,

because the salesman is going to blow his about the second time you pull your

act.

When the manager asks you to leave and you don’t, he will probably call

the police. You had anticipated this earlier and alerted someone at the local

newspaper or television station–probably the action-line reporters.

Smalltown media usually won’t allow reporters to come–car dealers buy lots of

ads, and you don’t. A regional TV station may show up–if you promise a

confrontation with the law. So when the manager calls the police, you call

your TV reporter–fun and games for the 6:00 P.M. news.

If all this doesn’t work, wait off the dealer’s premises and approach

customers as they leave the showroom. Tell your story there and then. Offer

to help them avoid your mistake. But stay on public property. And keep after

the action-line reporters.

If you esculate the attack a bit, show up when the night salespeople are

on duty–they won’t recognize you. Look at new cars; wander around. Few

salespeople pay much attention to an obvious gawker. As soon as someone else

or a telephone distracts the salesperson, you can do things to the automobile

right there in the showroom. A bottle opener is hard on the finish. See the

file on additives for things you could quickly put into the fuel tank. If you

could smuggle some in with you, stuff roadkill under a car seat or in the

glove compartment. Or toss a condom (preferably used) on the front seat. By

the way, used condoms make wonderful plants in other locations as well, like

the boss’s desk, or in a customer’s car back in the service shop.

If you can manage to slip undetected into the service area along with

your bag of sabotage goodies, such as glue, wire cutters, paint, potatoes,

M80s, etc., you can run amok. Work quietly and quickly. This sort of

guerrilla warfare can literally wreck a dealer’s service reputation.

@ENDNODE

@NODE BANKS “Banks”

It could be time to make your bankroll. According to Townsend Alexander,

our financial intelligence agent, you can make good money buying some very

cheap foreign coins that are the same size as a quarters. Get a paper coin

wrapper. Wrap a few real quarters on the ends but fill the rest of the roll

with the cheapie import coins. Wrap the roll and with felt-tip pen write some

phony account number on it to add to authenticity.

Take the roll of coins into the targeted bank. If you dress like a

business person and go at a busy time, especially with the account number

written on each roll, and the rolls in a bank sack or your briefcase, the

teller will probably give you ten dollars per roll without checking.

If you could get a banker to tell the truth, he’d admit that they hate

college-student checking accounts. There’s probably a lot of justification,

since most services like this for college students cost far more than they’re

worth in return. However, that’s not our problem.

Suppose you have a gripe with the bank. Acting as the bank’s ad manager,

get in touch with the student newspaper at the school and arrange to run some

ads with banner headlines reading, STUDENTS WELCOME, plus such services as NO

SERVICE CHARGE, FREE CUSTOM-PRINTED CHECKS, INTREST ON THE BALANCE, NO MINIMUM

BALANCE, and so on. Offer to give away free albums or Walkman radios. The

day after the “bank’s” ad runs they will be swamped with unwanted students,

who are going to be very angry at the bank (and probably at the student

newspaper).

Modern banks now have cash machines where you insert your plastic money

card and the machine gives you the money. If that institution or its machine

has become your target, here’s a dairyland delight you could easily employ.

Take some tough, hard cheese and cut it the same size and shape as your

plastic card. Insert the cheese “card” into the slot of the machine and leave

the area. One banker told me it took a service person nine hours to clean the

machine and get it operating again when someone pulled this stunt in

Baltimore.

The bank still giving you trouble, or you didn’t give them enough? It’s

time to move things up the scale a notch. Rent a safe-deposit box under

another name. Pay cash for a three-month rental. That’s all the time you’ll

need to collect on this one. Go to the market and buy a couple of overripe

fish–I’m sure you’ll get a bargain price. Carry them wrapped in plastic in

your briefcase. Go directly to your safe deposit box. In the privacy of the

bank’s little cubicle, unwrap the fish and lay the big, stinky suckers right

in the safety deposit box. Close it, lock it, and store it. Then carry the

fish wrappers, briefcase, and yourself out of the bank. In a few days your

deposit will gain their intrest. You’d better do your real banking at another

institution for a while. It’s quite possible bank officials will have to hire

someone to drill the lock on the targeted safe-deposit box to remove the

contents.

@ENDNODE

@NODE BIKERS “Bikers”

You’re walking along a pedestrian sidewalk, and along come a bicyclist,

churning away his/her spare calories on that nonpolluting transportaion

device. Within moments you’re an involuntary participant in a game of chicken

with that cyclist, who swerves while you weave. You finally pass each other

in good dodgeum-car fashion. Maybe. Wonderful stuff, adrenaline.

On the other cheek, maybe you’ve been blindsided by an irresponsible

cyclist trespassing on your pedestrian walk right of way.

“No more turning the other cheek,” is the war cry of Mel Scafe, an

anticyclist who is fighting back.

“I’ve declared war on all two wheelers who trespass into my life,” Mel

says. “I’ll get the senior citizen bicyclist who forces me off my sidewalk on

the same day I get even with the teenage dirt biker who tears up the hill

behind my home.”

One of Mel’s tatics is to toss a length of chain into the spokes of the

dirt bike when it’s roaring by. Instantly, the bike stops going forward while

the rider continues onward until gravity takes over.

“I’ve also used a wire cutter to snip the spokes on a bicycle whose owner

has done me a disfavor,” Mel relates. “That’ll cause a real collapse in his

biking game.”

Another time he spread a large patch of grease on the path used by dirt

bikers.

He can’t even estimate the pounds of air he’s released from captivity in

bike tires. He’s used all the nasty engine additives mentioned in another

file for these machines that disturb his world.

“I liked that Burt Reynolds movie where the truck driver drove his rig

over all those goddamn motorcycles,” Mel grinned. Turning seriously, he

added, “I’ve thought about the old World War II trick of stretching piano or

barbed wire across a trail or bikeway, but I think that could be fatal, so I

don’t really do it.”

“If there were some way I could totally kill the damn machines and only

embarrass the people a bit I’d surely like to hear about it. Until then I

will stick to the old standards that have worked for me so far.”

He adds, “I know people may sneer at me for being mean to kiddies on

their bicycles, and I know bicycles are an in thing today. But maybe if those

young riders learn some manners early and stay the hell off pesestrian

walkways, they might grow up to be decent people.”

@ENDNODE

@NODE BOOKS “Books”

Did anyone ever borrow a book from you and not return it? Our private

library consultant, Roberta Russell, has a suggestion with an air of financial

finality behind it. For the first step, a printer should make you about three

or four dozen bookplates, all featuring your mark’s name and address, plus the

legend, “If this book is lost and you find it and return it, I will pay you

$10 cash.” Your next step is the local Goodwill Industries, a local thrift or

second-hand shop, or a garage sale for books. Buy two or three dozen used

hardcover books. You buy them as cheaply as you can, but they’ll cost your

mark plenty. Your next step is to paste on the bookplates and distribute

these books–at the beach, on park benches, in a bus or subway, or in a bar or

restaurant. The final step is for you to enjoy a good chuckle at your mark’s

expense, as people find the “lost” books.

If your mark has a fine library, you might consider introducing it to

silverfish. They love good books; in fact they will devour them. If you feel

this nasty, you probably already know where to get silverfish and their eggs.

This one bothers me, though, since I love good books. Maybe there’s a better

way. Perhaps you could put an earwig in you mark’s bed pillow.

Why not give your mark the image of a philathropic person? Donate books

in his/her name to the local library, but without either party’s knowledge.

Buy a bunch of really scuzzy porno paperbacks, especially the colorfully

illustrated ones from Denmark–the more grossly hardcore, the better. Your

printer will produce some paste-in bookplates that say something like this,

“This book donated to the [Name] library by [Mark's name] in loving memory of

all the sweet children of [Town name].” Paste in the bookplates and sprinkle

the donated books around the local library. Put some in the children section,

and others in the religion books.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CAMPUSES “Campuses”

Not everyone is hibernating on college campuses. Although it’s true that

many students have become docile zombies, lobotimized by lethal doses of

television and the bureaucracy of the educational system, there are a few live

ones. At an eastern university, a number of students got upset with the rent

gouging of a massive corporation acting as an absentee landlord for private

off-campus dormitories. After getting nowhere appealing to an untesticled

school administration, and after being ignored by a housing inspector and a

city council belonging to the same social class and clubs as the corporate

landlords, the students held a pizza party.

The unusual part was the the pizza party was held in the clothes dryers

of the dormitory laundry rooms. One particpant reported, “We dumped a couple

of really gooey pizzas in each dryer, put in the coins, and turned them on.”

Try cleaning up that one!

Epilogue: The corporate landlord and his student tenants settled their

problems shortly after the party, totally to the satisfaction of the young

protestors.

Professor James Shannon claims that college students of the past had

heinous imaginations. Today, of course, many students are content merely to

move around enough to prevent roots from forming on their contact surfaces

with the ground. Professor Shannon suggests that if you have a teacher you

don’t like, and he/she lectures from a desk or podium on a raised platform,

you move the stand so its legs are barely balanced on the front edge of the

platform. When the academic leans forward on the structure ever so slightly,

it will come crashing forward. With any luck the pedagogue will land on top

of it.

At an eastern university, two looser colleagues filled a humorless and

bookish faculty member’s office closet with several large and irritable geese

one evening. The professor was in the habit of arriving quite early for 8:00

AM class, early enough so that the hasty-tempered birds would just be

awakening. When he opened the closet door they woke up and became badly

aggressive really fast. Eyewitness reports left no doubt whose feathers were

ruffled most.

This will be truly appreciated only by those privy to the pettiness of

academia: Other colleagues of this same professor sometimes send truly

pedantic, nasty, personal, and vindictive memoranda to various other faculty

members, deans, etc., in the name of their priggish colleagues.

On one occasion they sent really nasty letters to the parents of a few of

this faculty member’s students, giving the poor folks hell for daring to

produce such genetic drift as their kids, much less turning them loose on a

college campus. The school’s PR people had a terrible time getting out from

under that one. As for the mark, the dumb schmuck had no idea why so many

people disliked him. But please take his colleagues word for it–he deserves

every bit of it.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CARBIDE “Carbide”

Having been brought up around hunters and miners, I learned all about

carbide lamps and carbide fishing early. Working on my grandfather’s farm, I

learned about carbide bombs. Let me explain some things you might find

useful.

When calcium carbide is exposed to air and water it produces a gas that

will kill small animals. Farmers often pour it down gopher, rat, or groundhog

holes, then dump in some water and put a rock over the hole. The animal is

gassed to death.

A lot of poor people used to fish with carbide with the same efficiency

with which legions of GIs fished with hand grenades. Simply toss a pound or

two of carbide into a can and seal it, but be sure to punch a few holes in the

lid. Toss it into a pond. The results can play havoc with your mark’s fish

pond or fancy goldfish pool or an indoor aquarium. Water and carbide can

produce an explosion.

Some of the nastier kids used to place amounts of carbide into the

toilets at our school. The idea was to place the carbide bomb in the toilet,

leave a lighted cigarette on the seat, and run like hell. The carbide would

combine with the water to produce a huge cloud of noxious gas, which would

explode when it hit the lighted cigarette the perpetrators left behind. This

little homemade bomb did more damage than an M80.

Tim Bell, who later became a Special Forces NCO in Vietnam, explains, “We

had a kid bully whom no one liked–a real prick. He always went to the john

after fourth period to sneak a smoke. So two of us went in right after him

and laid a carbide bomb in the water in the next stall. We were about a

hundred feet down the hall when the damn thing went off.”

At this point, Tim burst into a wild laughter. I was able to learn, though

, that the bully had his legs burned and cut by flying porcelain, bit

his tongue badly, was knocked violently off the throne, bruising his ribs

against the steel wall of the stall, and was deafened for nearly twenty-four

hours, all by the force of this carbide explosion. With that kind of

background as a high school kid, it’s no wonder Tim Bell made a good Special

Forces trooper.

Are there more adult uses for carbide? Some sixties semi-terrorists used

to dump a pound or so into the toilets of corporate offices and government

buildings, flush the mess into the system, and walk away briskly. Enough of

the stuff could get very dangerous, considering the possible backup of gases.

A combination of water and carbide has been fed into the ventilating systems

of various corporate and government buildings, also by semi-terrorists who

wish to harass the resident bureaucrats.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CARS “Cars”

This one’s really kiddie Halloween time, but it does work. A bunch of

old nuts and bolts placed into the wheel well behind the hubcap will make the

mark think his/her car is falling apart. It’s worth some minor harassment, of

course, and works outstandingly well with high-strung nonmechanical typed who

absolutely panic at car noises.

You can get a little heavier than Halloween by removing a hubcap from

your mark’s car wheel and loosening or removing the lug bolts. Sooner or not

much later, the wheel will simply roll off the car.

Moving up the escalator of nastiness, you could probably fill your mark’s

whole body with adrenaline if you placed a split shot sinker, of the type used

by fishermen, on the accelerator cable of his/her vehicle. Willy Seamore, a

top mechanic, suggests you extend the cable, then place the lead weight on the

extended portion, which effectively blocks it from returning. This means the

vehicle’s throttle will run wide open. It’s a nasty version of the

jack-rabbit start.

From choking up to locking up is hardly a quantum experience. The new

miracle glues are impregnable when squirted into car door keyholes. Nothing

short of a locksmith can repair this low-risk attack. If you hit just before

the mark’s family vacation, leave the car door locks alone and hit the trunk

lock. With any luck, they’ll never notice until they’re miles from home.

A refinement of simply putting a super glue or epoxy into the car’s

various locks is to take any old key that will vaguely locks is to take any

old key that will vaguely fit into the lock cavity, insert it, then twist it

rapidly back and forth until the key breaks off, stuck in the lock. Now is

the time to squirt glue into the lock. The job is more permanent and more

costly to repair.

If you tire of fooling with the locks, you can look elsewhere. Marshall

Tanner, inventor of muffler bearings, says you can prop some large-headed

nails against the tires of your mark’s car, especially if it’s parked so it

will have to be backed up to get out of a parking stall in a lot. The car

moves back and the wheels roll over the nails, puncturing tires.

If your mark’s married, you can have all sorts of sport with his ride. A

male mark deserves that you slip sexy undergarments usually worn by a sexy

lady under his car’s front seat or wedge them carefully into the back seat.

You could tear them a bit. More than a hint of perfume or flavored douche

will always hype suspicion. You can escalate this stunt somewhat if you buy

male underwear–get the sexy style in white–and place some lipstick smears

around the fly area. You can help the campaign along by having a very trusted

lady friend call and ask nervously for the mark. The younger she sounds, the

better. Have her call several times. Use your and the mark’s wife’s

imagination.

If the mark is a woman, a pack of condoms carelessly hidden in the car is

always a sure-grow plant. Several daint handkerchiefs of the type favored by

milady and heavily impregnated with semen can also be stuffed in the car. As

with the male, a series of appropriately timed telephone calls from a nervous

male will add to the marital festivities between mark and spouse.

In less carnal surroundings, if you can get to the distributor cap,

remove it and use graphite from a pencil to contact the rotor brushes. The

charge will run along the graphite, causing the engine to misfire. This could

cause the mark to dash into his local car butcher and get charged an

outrageous price for an unnecessary tuneup.

A quick way to disable a car battery is to slip a couple of Alka-Seltzer

tablets or a teaspoonful of baking soda into each battery compartment. The

antacid will kill the battery’s power before you can say “Plop, plop, fizz,

fizz.”

Another camhead nasty is to take a pushpin and jab a few tiny holes

through spark-plug wires. According to Lee H. Santana, a real straight

shooter in the dirty-tricks department, the pin pricks cause a hellishly

rumpety noise when the car is driven.

Don’t forget additives when working on a mark’s car. The nice thing

about additives is that you don’t have to be odd or even to use them. Many

experts, including some of Uncle Sam’s khaki-clad nephews, suggest light

materials, such as crushed cork, as a great additive to the gasoline tanks of

vehicles belonging to people or institutions you don’t like.

One former professional trickster said, “It isn’t to exotic, but a

handful of old leaves in the gas tank will bind the damn engine up too.”

Sand is not recommended because of its weight, especially when wet. It

would sink to the bottom of the tank and not much would be introduced into the

engine, he explained. The idea is to get the additive to the bearing

surfaces, where the coarse little buggers can kick and scratch up a mechanical

breakdown. Silicone carbide, emery powder, and fine metal filings will work.

During World War II, our OSS used a mixture of finely ground cork, resins,

carborundums, and metal alloys to muck up an engine.

Another method that could possibly send a driver off to a service station

would be to pour a gallon of shellac thinner into your targeted vehicle’s

gasoline tank. The alcohol will gather up all the water in the fuel trap, and

when this mixture goes through the fuel line it will cause the vehicle to

snort, stammer, and act as if it has big carb troubles. By the time the

driver gets the vehicle to a mechanic, the problem has usually departed out

the exhaust pipe. Done enough times, this one can redline the frustration and

credibility levels of both the driver and the mechanic.

If you want to use additives in your mark’s gasoline tank, yet are

concerned about arousing suspicion in daylight or in an otherwise

high-visibility area, simply adopt a cover prop.

“Put the harmful additive in a metal gasoline can like they sell in

stores,” advises Joey MacJohns, a veteran trickster. “That way, any potential

witnesses will never really pay attention to what’s happening; they’ll simply

infer because you have a gas can that you’re putting gas in the car.”

And don’t forget oil additives. Styrene, a colorless, oily liquid, is an

organic compound that is one of the two chemicals mixed together to make

hardened fiberglass. Boat-supply stores and marinas have styrene available

for patching fiberglass boats. It is also used in body shops and

upholstery-repair places.

There are substitutes compounds that will do the same job as styrene, so

read the label when purchasing the stuff to make sure you’re actually getting

styrene. Styrene is the only sufficiently effective, commonly available

material that can be put into a car’s crankcase to completely break down the

oil and ruin the engine.

Styrene in the crankcase is far better that sugar in the gas tank because

it can’t be seen after being introduced and because only a little does a

thorough job. If it’s used at the rate of one per four quarts of oil, the

treated vehicle will run about a hundred miles before the engine locks up

tight.

This is a fairly high-risk stunt, but it could be fun if you don’t get

nailed doing it, according to Bill Rally. If you find that your mark is going

alone to a movie you have an hour or so to have some fun with his automobile.

If you’re motivated enough to carry off this stunt, no one has to tell you how

to start the mark’s car without a key. After you start it, drive to some very

nice homes with pretty lawns. But stay fairly near the theater, so you can

get back there in a hurry. Do donuts, dig out, and otherwise use the car to

make a shambles of lawns, shrubbery, flower beds, etc. Run over lawn

furniture, hit mailboxes, and try to frighten some old people by coming really

close to them with the car.

This is a real hit-and-run mission. Do your dirty driving fast and get

the car back to the theater parking area even faster. Park it and leave. If

you’ve done enough damage, all sorts of police reports will be out on the car.

The second or third question the police will ask the mark is whether he or she

has any witnesses for the movie alibi.

That can be a real blast. But if you want another sort of pop, dig

deeply into the potato bin for this one. My thanks here go to all those great

truck farmers who say a potato jammed into a vehicle’s exhaust pipe is not

explosive, but it will cause all sorts of nasty problems. In one case, the

mark parked his car with the rear end towards his home. His tormentor jammed

a fresh, hard spud tightly inot the car’s exhaust pipe. The mark started the

car on a cold evening and waited a few moments for the engine to warm.

Meanwhile, the hot gases, unable to escape, built up dangerously behind the

potato….Woom!…KABLOOM!… With an explosive roar, the gases fired that

big, hot, hard potato right into the metal siding of the mark’s home, just

fifteen feet away from the exhaust pipe, which acted as a cannon barrel. The

holing and denting of the siding cost $150 and a day to repair.

There are all sorts of other devices that make good muffler bombs. A

firecracker may be shoved into the vehicle’s exhaust pipe, pushing it along

with a stiff wire until the explosive device falls into the muffler. It takes

only a few moments of driving with today’s hot exhaust gases to explode the

firecracker. Even a fairly small firecracker will cause panic, escpecially if

the driver is paranoid to start with. If you want to destroy the muffler and

drive the mark’s panic into the fantasy of having his/her car really bombed,

substitute an M80 or a shotgun shell for the prankish finger-sized

firecracker.

If the violence and property destruction of this bothers you or causes

you to grimace, consider this next happy face. Most mail-order and novelty

stores sell very realistic rubber-faced masks, resembling everything from an

ape man, through a drooling idiot, on down to a Ronald Reagan mask. Select

one that looks especially gross–like an old man, or the idiot, or Richard

Nixon. Position is so it looks realistic on the back of your head. This

leaves your vision unobstructed. Head for the road in your car.

Just as another motorist overtakes your vehicle to pass you, lean out the

window. The effect on the approaching motorist would be interesting to

observe, as that other driver will see a drooling goon looking back, directly

at him, with no apparent concern for the road ahead. I bet very few cars

actually pass you with this stunt in operation.

Taking the license plate off a mark’s car can be a good shot, even you

don’t want to steal the thing for other nefarious purposes. How many times do

you look to see if the plate is on your car? A cop has only to look once. I

bet it would be fun to hear the mark’s explanation of where his license plate

has gone.

Don’t you get really happy when some defective excuse for a human

suddenly pulls his/her vehicle out directly in front of yours or cuts you off?

Marty Mullin has a solution in hand.

A delightful person, Mullin reveals, “I bought a top-quality pellet

pistol, one of those compressed-air guns, which I keep in my car. You can use

either the cartridge or the pump type–just to be sure you get one with enough

power to penetrate metal. Get a supply of the .177-caliber pellets, too.

Then, next time some dip pulls out in front of you, pull up behind the dip’s

vehicle and get in his/her blind spot. With a truck or van that’s easy

enough. Then you bring your pellet gun into action.

“Plunk a shot into the mark’s vehicle, the trunk for a car, or the back

of a van or rig. If it’s a big truck you can get in quite a few shots,

because the driver is not likely to hear them. A van or car will make a

helluva TWHUNK when that pellet hits, so be cautious.

“There’s no discharge noise, because you’re not using a firearm. After

your attack, back off and proceed your business as if nothing has happened.

You probably have not taught the mark a lesson, but you feel better for what

you just did–I guarantee that.”

I asked Mullin about the posibility of hitting a passenger who is riding

in the back of the mark’s vehicle. He replied, “Then, that passenger also has

every right to be furious with the dippy mark for pulling out in front of

you.”

@ENDNODE

@NODE CB_RADIOS “CB Radios”

Want to send your neighborhood CB nut a message? This nut is the CB

addict who refuses to filter his/her equipment and thus disrupts TV, stereo,

AM/FM, and other normal communication for blocks. Usually, these idiots are

about as sensitive to other people’s feelings as Idi Amin was to the plight of

the poor. In both cases a lesson is called for.

To do this effectively, heed the lesson of Sterling Orco, who says you

must personally interdict the mark’s CB antenna. It would be well to do this

when the mark is away from the home area. Unfasten the CB coax line from the

mark’s antenna. Then clip two leads of a regular 110-volt line to the CB

coax–one lead to the center conductor, the other lead to the shield. Small

alligator clips will do nicely. Then, hop down from your perch near the

antenna and plug the other end of the 110-volt wire into your mark’s nearest

outdoor socket.

Next time he/she turns on the CB and hits the transmit button…well,

words fail to describe the results adequately. One comment–even the repair

people will shake their heads.

A bit less destructive, but no less nasty, is the old pin-in-the-coax

trick. You prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer cable and through the

shield. Be sure it touches the center conductor. Then cut the head off the

pin and push it in some more–out of sight. The plastic should close behind

the pin, making the wound invisible. Just make sure that the pin

short-circuits the center conductor to the metal outer shield. Do a couple of

these along the coax between the antenna and the CB set. It does stuttering

wonders for the transmission.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CHARITY “Charity”

Charity begins at the home of your mark. You simply volunteer his/her

services to the charity’s recruiting chairperson, giving the name and address

of your mark. These charity drives are so happy to get volunteers these days

that they will rarely verify your call. That means the first contact the mark

has is when another volunteer shows up at the door with all sorts of campaign

and collection materials. In many cases, the mark is too embarrassed to

refuse, and you’ve added to his/her workload.

If you think that’s a dirty trick to pull on a charity, ask them how many

cents out of each dollar go directly to the victims and other people who are

at the bottom of the line for help. Besides, your mark might turn out to be a

great charity worker.

You can call in generous pledges in your mark’s name during telethons and

other charity drives.

You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using

double-entendre names. For example, when one public-TV station held another

of its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as

pledging financial support included Clint Toris, Seymour Kunt, Connie Lingus.

Margie Kowalski used to work for the Salvation Army. She suggests that

you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and report

youp mark for stealing out of the organization’s pickup boxes. Report the

mark by his auto license number. Say you work at one of the stores near the

collection box and you’ve seen the mark rob the box several times. You can

also report this “crime” to the police.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CHEESE “Cheese”

It’s tried and true, but I bet you haven’t heard of it since you were a

kid. This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the-muffler-of-a

-new-car trick. The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a surface for a

cheese spread. Or you can simply place som of the same substance behind a

radiator in a home or office. Once it’s burned on, the smelly sour effect can

last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CHILD_ABUSE “Child Abuse”

I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evilminded teenager

[Hmmm...] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat

her. They hadn’t and didn’t. Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing out

of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to defend

themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems [Hmmm II...].

The parents were looked upon as villians, even though the judge dismissed the

charges as unfounded. Their attorney (yes, they had to hire one to fight

government persecution) advised them against a jury trial because they’d lose

on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts. Nice.

All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a

child-abuse offender. Acting as a “concerned neighbor,” you can tell the

authorities. The hassle is unreal. After you’ve done this, a few anonymous

letters to the mark’s employer about the “child-abuse thing” will help out.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CIA “CIA”

Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about. For example,

maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee. You could easily find out.

Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark’s name. The

agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such as unemployed

gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc. I doubt that

they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested in talking

with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area expert,

journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or economist.

Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an officer are fine

credentials for your mark. Make up a good solid background. It is probably

illegal for you to make a false application in your mark’s name using phony

credentials.

Send resumes to: Personnel Representative

Central Intelligence Agency

Washington, D.C. 20505

You can also send in an application in your mark’s name for a CIA job at

the field office in the nearest city. Yes, they are listed in the telephone

book.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CLASSIFIED_ADS “Classified Adverts”

Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive little

bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark’s psyche if properly aimed.

For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy neighbors.

You could insert a classified ad to “sell” their automobile. Price it five

hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after midnight

(shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad that quick

cash is needed for an emergency. That will bring in the phone calls.

You can also put your mark’s house up for sale. Again, ask potential

customers to either call or visit at hours that will be very inconvenient to

the mark.

The “personals” in newspapers can provide even more fun. Maybe your mark

ought to advertise for “young boy and girl models to pose for ‘art’ pictures.”

You should use his/her home or business telephone here for return calls,

whichever would cause more difficulty for the mark.

Placing ads is a snap. Most newspapers let you do it right over the

phone, and most of the ad people I’ve talked to say they rarely verify a

classified ad. Take a tip from that and don’t make it outlandish. As with any

practical joke, there has to be a credible amount of reality to the premise for

the sting to work.

While you’re thinking of newspapers, don’t foget those sexy tabloids and

their really gross cousins that let readers advertise all sorts of weird sex

things. I don’t know whether any of that is on the level, but it’s worth

finding out–in your mark’s name, of course. Maybe you’ll be doing him/her a

favor. But somehow I doubt it–there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

You might help the mark share his new friends’ sexual talents. Place an

ad in one of the target audience magazines–the publication that runs very

explicit and very honest classifieds. If you’re not sure, contact a local

sympathizer and ask him/her for help.

You might write you ad copy like this:

“Soft white male aged 35 wants to play with black lady with large

buttocks. Bi-couples welcomed for Greek and French culture.”

You can really make bondage and S/M optional, depending upon reality, the

publication, its audience, and your mark. You really ought to study the target

publication before you word the ad. The kicker is that you will register the

mark as the sponsor of the classified ad. Read a section of this book that

tells you about using a neighbor’s address and the mark’s name before you get

started.

If you decide to run kinky classified ads for your mark in SCREW, BALL,

and whatever, be sure you get some copies of the issue in which the ad runs.

That way you can send originals or Xerox copies to the mark’s neighbors,

relatives, business associates, and friends. Enclose a brief note asking how

they can even admit knowing such a perverted person. Offer to pray for them.

You could use the name and address of another friend, neighbor, or business

associate as the return address for this note.

Help your mark out of the closet by running a classified announcement ad

in homosexual publications. Have her/him grandly and proudly announce that he

or she is gay and has dated and/or married only for cover. Now, he/she is

coming out and telling the world she/he has taken a lover–and name a friend,

neighbor, or business associate as that lover. Libelous? Yes, it is. Don’t

get caught.

Using classified advertising, Bill Colbeley had an auction for one of his

many marks. He followed the usual auction format to prepare the newspaper ad,

then ran it when the mark and his family were away for a weekend. The ad was

one of those “Job transfer–everything must go–fanstastic bargains” types so

normal to an industrial community. But let Sweet Old Bill tell the rest of his

story:

“I set the time of the auction for 7:00 A.M., so that just as the sleepy

mark was rolling out of the sack about that hour, he looks out on his yard and

sees about three hundred salesgoers out there trampling all over his lawn,

garden, and flowers. It took an hour for the mark and the police he called to

get the crowd out of there.”

Although it’s not strictly a classified advertisement, the little

index-card notices that people place on bulletin boards in bars, supermarkets,

laundromats, and other public places are great ways to harass your mark. Just

about anything you can use in a newspaper can be used on these more personal

notices. But the advantages are, they don’t cost anything but the time

required to prepare and post them, and you can be a lot more wordy,

descriptive, and personal than you can with a newspaper advertisement. Folks

seem to read these very regularly too, as I know from my personal use of this

community advertising medium with legitimate messages.

@ENDNODE

@NODE CLERGY “Clergy”

One of the most useful bits of armament in the trickster’s arsenal is a

set of clerical garb. Lenny Bruce proved how financially useful this disguise

is when he panhandled Miami dressed in a religious costume. But then,

organized religion has known this for years, profitably practicing their old

proverb “Let us prey.”

Obtain and make use of overt religious garb. It creates a wonderfully

secure and trustworthy image. Drug marketeers often use priest and nun outfits

when moving dope. In Ireland, weapons and explosives are smuggled by

kindly-looking middle-aged persons disguised as religious figures.

@ENDNODE

@NODE COINS “Coins”

If consumer attorney Dale Richards is correct, more Americans lose money

to coin-operated vending machines than lose money gambling or paying taxes to

the IRS. What’s also astounding is that so few people rise above simple

vandalism as a response.

Richards explains, “Many vending companies are quite liberal in their

refund policy. They don’t question most refund requests. However, getting

refunds is annoying to people, it takes time, and the machines shouldn’t cheat

people in the first place.”

People who work for vending companies claim that customer vandalism is why

the machines don’t work in the first place. Critics claim that

vandalism-repair cost is built into the price for the goods and services you

get from coin machines. I’m not here to adjudicate this debate, but to pass

along some alternative philosophy.

Abbie Hoffman says that every time you drop a coin down the slot of some

vending machine you are losing money needlessly. There are many inexpensive

foreign coins that will duplicate the American version and operate vending

equipment. It may be tough to get some of these coins, because many legitimate

dealers look suspiciously upon attempted purchases of large numbers of cheapie

foreign coins. You could tell them that you use them for jewelry. Apparently,

many coins dealers are establishment snitches, so be careful.

Here, according to Hoffman, are the more useful foreign coins. The

Icelandic five-auran piece is the most effective substitute for an American

quarter. They are hard to come by, since they are no longer minted. The

Uruguayan ten-centisimo coin will also substitute for the U.S. quarter in a

variety of vendng machines, parking meters, telephones, toll gates,

laundromats, etc. It does not work in cirgarette machines. The Danish

five-ore piece works in just about anything but pop and cigarette machines.

Dime-sized coins include the Malaysian penny, which works in a variety of

machines and devices that take a dime. Som