Jokes Essay, Research Paper

You might be a redneck if…

1.You’ve ever put a dead snake in the road to watch cars stop and run over it several times.

2.Every time you see a roadsign that says “DIP” you reach in your back pocket.

3.You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

4.You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.

5.You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.

6.The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.

7.The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.

8.Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.

9.Your school dress code contains the line “Shoes Optional”.

10.You’ve ever worn hunter’s orange to church.

11.You have barnyard animals living in your house.

12.Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

13.Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, “Gun control is a steady hand.”

14.Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.

15.You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.

16.You have ever shot a possum on your porch.

17.You don’t use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can’t

see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors’ dogs when they get into it.

18.You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.

19.You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.

20.You have guns in your house that you cannot find.

21.You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive

department is raising your truck another 8 inches.

22.You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

23.You’ve got more guns “On Display” than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.

24.You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

25.Your horse wears shoes, but you don’t.

26.It doesn’t bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

27.You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

28.You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

29.Your dog is your alarm clock.

30.Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

31.You have all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes on tape.

32.You can give a summary of all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes.

33.You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

34.It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

35.You’ve ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about

the shirt and shoes law.

36.You’ve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

37.You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

38.You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.

39.You don’t understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

40.Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won’t go

hungry.

41.You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.

42.Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

43.You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

44.You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

45.You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from

your front lawn.

46.Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

47.You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

48.None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

49.You are driving the car you were conceived in.

50.You’ve ever used scissors on food.

51.You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.

52.Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you

could do about it.

53.When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about

Elvis or Richard Petty.

54.You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

55.You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

56.You can’t go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck’s gas

cap.

57.You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

58.You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

59.Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

60.You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

61.You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

62.You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

63.A tornado goes through your trailer’s yard and makes it look neater.

64.You’ve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

65.You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

66.You think “Meals on Wheels” is another name for roadkill.

67.You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.

68.You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

69.You’ve ever slam-shifted a tractor.

70.You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb

tack.

71.The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

72.Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you

moved their outhouse back about four feet.

73.You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

74.You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

75.You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

76.On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

77.Your favorite NASCAR souvenir came from a wreck in turn 3.

78.You have shot more than 1 TV set.

79.You did not feel bad when Bambi’s mother was killed. You have ever stopped traffic in order

to get a baseball cap off the road. Your preacher has to spit after every two sentences.

80.You have ever successfully talked your way out of a speeding ticket by arguing that your

vehicle is not capable of exceeding the speed limit.

81.Your parents don’t eat together because they share one pair of dentures.

82.You think rasslin’ is real and the Moon Landing was filmed in a desert.

Back to the index.

The Rest

You might be a redneck if…

1.Your car is worth less than its license plate.

2.More people know you by your CB handle than by your real name.

3.The first thing you do after your divorce is scrape your former wife’s name off the bug shield

on your truck.

4.You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

5.You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won’t ask for them again.

6.You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.

7.You think Hamlet is on the McDonald’s breakfast menu.

8.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt

track race.

9.Your dad says, “Let’s hit the road for dinner,” and then grabs a shovel.

10.You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself.

11.The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the

woodshed.”

12.You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

13.You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

14.Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

15.Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

16.Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

17.After the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.

18.You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

19.You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

20.The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

21.Your grandmother stands up to pee.

22.A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”

23.You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

24.Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

25.In the delivery room, your husband says,”That’s worse than skinning a deer!”

26.You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.

27.You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.

28.You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

29.You got your tater gun hangin’ over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

30.You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.

31.You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.

32.Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

33.One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.

34.Your house has a kickstand.

35.You drive around a parking lot for fun.

36.Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.

37.You have to duct tape your gloves on.

38.You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

39.Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

40.You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

41.Your best coat is a black and red checkered.

42.You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

43.You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

44.You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

45.You can’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.

46.You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

47.You’ve ever been given a gun as a present.

48.Flannel is your favorite color.

49.You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

50.Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

51.The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.

52.You have got more bumper stickers than children.

53.Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet

Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.

54.You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it

belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.

55.You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from

the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

56.Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

57.Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

58.You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of

the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with

said chicken.

59.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of

your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach

the paper on the shotgun shells.

60.Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.

61.One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

62.The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big

enough to hurt them.

63.You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was

frozen to the roof.

64.You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

65.You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could

throw a rock and hit them.

66.You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.

67.You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she

dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

68.Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

69.Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

70.You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

71.You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

72.You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don’t use it because they won’t

come down your driveway to get it.

73.The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife….and wave to her.

74.Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them

since the last time you went.

75.You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

76.You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

77.When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

78.Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into “America’s Most Wanted”.

79.You own more than two clappers.

80.You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

81.You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

82.Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade.

83.You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

84.You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

85.You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

86.Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

87.The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

88.The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over

yonder in them hills.”

89.Your mustache is longer than your wife’s hair.

90.Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

91.Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

92.Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

93.City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

94.You think Tang is in the fruit group.

95.You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.

96.You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

97.You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

98.Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it.

99.You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.

100.You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.

101.The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

102.You’ve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.

103.You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust

is all that’s holding it together.

104.People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

105.You’ve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, “I knew I should have

taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.”

106.Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.

107.You think the internet is a new fishing tool.

108.There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.

109.Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.

110.You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the

world.

111.Your kids can’t go out for Hollween because there’s nobody within walking distance to get

candy from.

112.You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your “stuff” (cars,

trucks building materials).

113.Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

114.The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else

are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

115.Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, “just in case”.

116.You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

117.You don’t know what a redneck is.

118.You’re still upset that they canceled “The Dukes of Hazzard”.

119.You thought ER was ET’s cousin.

120.You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

121.You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.

122.You’ve ever been stuck in your own driveway.

123.You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.

124.Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.

125.You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.

126.You can name all the characters from the “Dukes of Hazzard”.

127.You recite lines from “The Dukes of Hazzard”.

128.You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.

129.You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.

130.You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.

131.Your idea of a fancy dessert is “moon pie ala mode”.

132.You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.

133.You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.

134.You think the only tools “real men” need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful

repair projects to prove it.

135.You’ve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.

136.You name your car the General Lee.

137.You see a sign that says “bridge out” and you try to jump it.

138.You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

139.Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

140.Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

141.You go to the dentist for a “Tooth Cleaning”.

142.You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

143.Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday, and you like it.

144.Coons get into everyone else’s trash but yours.

145.When you say, “Let’s hit the hay,” you actually MEAN it.

146.You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.

147.Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

148.You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

149.You *have* a clawfoot bathtub.

150.You’ve ever been arrested for bootleggin’.

151.You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

152.Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

153.Burger King won’t let you do it your way, right away.

154.You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wifes

birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

155.You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old

your children are.

156.Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.

157.You think a computer hacker carries an axe.

158.You keep a chainsaw in the trunk “just in case”.

159.You’ve given your gun a woman’s name.

160.Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.

161.You go to the post office to research your family tree.

162.You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it

for your spit can.

163.You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.

164.Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

165.You see a forest fire and think ‘Bar-bee-Q’.

166.You’ve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

167.Your mother is hairier than your father.

168.Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

169.You take the back window out of your pickup because it’s easier to chuck the empty beer

cans in the back that way.

170.When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

171.Your grandma can bench press a truck axle.

172.You watch “The Dukes Of Hazzard” and have to find someone to explain it to you.

173.Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you’ve met your

future wife.

174.When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.

175.Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.

176.Your favorite fruit is chicken.

177.You think those yellow traffic signs that say “Slow children at play” means the kids in the area

are not too bright.

178.At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.

179.You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music.

180.You’ve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.

181.You can chew your own toenails.

182.You’ve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.

183.You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.

184.Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.

185.You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.

186.You’ve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn’t spit it out.

187.Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.

188.You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.

189.Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.

190.Your mama has more tattoos than you do.

191.You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

192.Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

193.The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.

194.You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

195.Your dog’s shots are up to date but your children’s aren’t.

196.You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.

197.Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.

198.You consider your annual bath one too many.

199.You wore a baseball cap to the MET opera.

200.If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald’s playhouse.

201.If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

202.You’ve ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

203.Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your

pocket knife.

204.Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

205.You picket your horses on your lawn so you won’t have to mow it.

206.You’re wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver’s license pic.

207.You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds. You save old

kitchen appliances for target practice.

208.You save old kitchen appliances for children’s Christmas presents.

209.You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

210.Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

211.Anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

212.Your master bathroom has the words “porta” and “potty” written on the side.

213.You can’t take a bath in the winter ’cause the stream is frozen.

214.You only bathe when it rains.

215.You think “Dueling Banjos” is classical music.

216.You refer to the Surgeon General’s Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical

encyclopedia.

217.You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

218.You’re 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.

219.You think ‘possum is the “other white meat”.

220.Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

221.You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

222.You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

223.You put a Clapper on your headlights.

224.You need a dictionary to spell your name.

225.You don’t change your socks until the first pair rots off.

226.People ask your wife when her baby’s due and she’s not pregnant.

227.Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

228.You’ve ever invited friends over to show off what’s left of the squirrel that you shot with your

deer gun.

229.You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

230.The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read

the label on the bottle.

231.Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.

232.Your bumper sticker reads “If you’re missing your cat, look in my treads.”

233.You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

234.You’ve ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she’d take the hint.

235.Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.

236.You place a classified asking less than $1.

237.You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.

238.Higher math means counting over 10.

239.The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

240.You have a lucky rabbit’s foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.

241.You re-use dental floss to save money.

242.You’ve ever drunk mouthwash just because you’re too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.

243.Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.

244.Your baseball bat “ain’t never been used on a ball, but it’s sure hit plenty of other things.”

245.You’ve ever shot a mouse inside your home.

246.Anybody in your family has ever taken a gun into the zoo.

247.Learning to count on your fingers was hard because everybody in your family has a different

number.