Survival Essay, Research Paper

SURVIVAL

Do you ever survive the effects of divorce? If you have experienced divorce,

or knew someone that has, this is a question you will ask yourself. Ron and

Lilly were married for fifteen years and during the course of their marriage had

three children ages 8, 10 and 12. Ron worked as a private attorney in a solo

practice and Lilly worked in the home as a homemaker. Although Lilly worked in

the home, she had a Bachelors degree in early childhood development. She had

always wanted to work outside of the home, but she and Ron felt that it was more

important to care for the children full time. When her husband announced that he

was leaving, she wasn’t surprised that he didn’t care for her the same way he

did when they first met, but she never dreamed he would leave her and the

children.

Ron packed his things the next day while the children were in school. The

children were not informed their parents were separating and one day would

divorce. Lilly was left alone to deal with the emotional upheaval this would

cause the children. When the children returned from school, they sensed

immediately something was wrong. They knew their parent’s were not getting along

and that their father was spending less time at home, however they never thought

this would happen. When their mother told them that their father would not be

living at home and that nothing else in their life would change, the children

looked with disbelief. The children started to cry, and Lilly as best as she

could, tried to console them. The lives of this family would never be the same.

Ron never discussed with Lilly how the finances would be handled, or how much

money she would need for her and the children to live on. Because Lilly never

worked outside of the home, Ron was now having to manage two homes on one

income. The children attended private school and were in several after school

programs that were very costly. The money Ron gave Lilly and the children, was

not enough to pay the mortgage, utilities, car note, food, clothes and the daily

expenses for the children.

Ron and Lilly’s divorce caused severe financial and emotional instability on

everyone. Lilly and the children had to sell the home they lived in because they

could not afford the financial cost, or the upkeep that was needed to maintain

the home. Lilly and the children bought a much smaller home, in a not so great

neighborhood. Because of the move and lack of finances, the children had to

attend public school and make new friends. The oldest started talking back to

her mother, grades started to fall and she started hanging out with kids that

didn’t care if they went to school. The middle child started to isolate herself

and began to have nightmares about her parents dying. Surprisingly her grades

didn’t suffer. The youngest child cried at the drop of a hat, she just wanted

her dad and couldn’t understand why she didn’t get to see him that often. The

three children blamed their mother for everything and took all of their

misplaced anger out on her.

Because of Lilly’s financial dilemma, she was not able to afford she and the

children counseling. Ron was becoming more and more delinquent in sending

alimony and child support for his family. Lilly was still trying to maintain

being a stay at home mom although she realized the inevitable, she was not

emotionally ready to go out in the work force.

One and one half years after the divorce, Lilly was forced to become apart of

the working class single moms of the world, Lilly got a job as a first grade

teacher. This was an adjustment

for the children, because they had depended on their mom for everything.

Because Lilly was not able to be there for the children, Ron was forced to be

more responsible for the care of the children. Ron shared in the daily dropping

off and picking up the children. This also gave the children, the opportunity to

spend extra time with their father, something that was missing in their life.

Lilly and Ron began to work together with raising the children and the entire

family started to receive counseling. The children began to accept the two

households as well as their parent’s significant others. Lilly and Ron have

learned to work together in rasing their family although it is not always easy.

The breakdown of a family affects the entire family in many ways that is not

noticed, but develops over a period of time. Children many times go through life

believing that there was something they did to cause the break up of their

parents, and always hope that their parents will get back together. Ron’s

children felt neglected by him, unloved as well as feeling guilty about there

parent’s breakup. Because Lilly’s was not given an opportunity to work on their

problems and improve communication, her self-esteem went completely down. Ron

felt bad, but was feeling very relieved that he made the decision to leave.

Divorce can be liberating, depressing, frustrating, or traumatic to any person

who experiences it. Perhaps the most painful part on the process of divorce is

when the children are involved and when they are made to choose sides. Ron and

Lilly minimized the trauma in their children’s life’s, by agreeing on where the

children would live. Although the children experienced changes and went through

periods of fear of not knowing what was going to happen. Today the children

appear to be functioning very well and are doing well in school. If parents

can’t be caring, loving and respectful of each other, then they shouldn’t stay

together.

Children learn from their parent’s, how relationships should be conducted and

will handle their relationships as they see their parents. Since Ron and Lilly’s

divorce, their communication is better now then it was when they were married.

The children witness their parent’s genuine concern for each another and most

importantly for them. Ron, Lilly and the children appear to have taken the steps

for survival during the process of the divorce, but as issues arise it is

important that they are dealt with.

It is important to think of the children when divorce takes place. Finances

should be resolved and if a parent should have to experience the lack of

finances, it should not be the parent that has the children. If a child’s

economic needs are being met, this may minimize the stress they experience when

one parent is absent. The important thing is not to change the child’s

stability, and lack of finances will cause an immediate change. Parents whether

married or divorce, have a responsibility to secure a child’s future, by

providing them with the emotional and economic support that is needed for them

to become productive individuals of society. Children that come from divorce

parents can be just as well rounded as children that come from married parents.

This family appears to have adjusted to the change that was brought on by the

divorce. As long as the parent’s continue to work together, and do what is in

the best interest of the children, they will continue to survive. The girls are

now teenager’s and their father has a close relationship with them. Contact with

their father is very important at this age, because girls have a tendency to

seek negative attention from boy’s. This is usually because they are trying to

fill the emptiness from the lack of relationship with their father. I don’t see

this happening, at least not for their father’s lack of attention. If there are

long term problems that do not surface now, and if it surfaces, it will do so

when the children become adults. Hopefully, because of the manner in which the

parents have handle the last five years, the children will be equipped to deal

with the problems through counseling.