Modest Proposal Essay, Research Paper

Animals or Students?

It brings great obstacles to those who walk down the halls of Silverado High School day in and day out to be by bombarded by thirty-six hundred plus students. This prompts trying to go to the bathroom between classes beyond implausible, for it’s intense enough to just make it to class on time as it is without trying to make a pit stop at the bathroom. Students have been reduced to plowing and shoving their way through people in order to possibly make it to class and be in their seat before the tardy bell rings. I think all parents and more important, students involved will agree that this gargantuan number of students trying to push through one another to make it to the restroom or simply to be on time for class is leaving all entangled in a present state of rage and irritation over this subsequent grievance to their already stressful existence. Therefore, we, the students and parents, need to find an economical, practical solution to allow students to walk the hallways with ease.

Having contributed multiple years pondering this very subject, and after careful consideration of the suggestions of my colleagues, I continually discovered them to be dreadfully mistaken in their computations. With that in mind, here’s my plan of action, I propose to herd students just like the cattle they are, with hall monitors being awarded the job of herding students up and down stairs and preventing the slowing or stopping, for that matter, of traffic.

In order to enable students to get to class in one piece, the school day will be extended to seven p.m. This will give students forty-five minutes to get to class and to get to class in one piece. To get from one class to another, one will have to go through a series of locks and wait for the pasture to clear, thereby constituting the additional hours of school. The new system will cut done on the calculated five hundred fights each day that occur trying to get to class. It has been proven that ninety-five percent of these fights occur from pushing, squeezing, or shoving through people, with the other five percent occurring from giving someone stopped in the middle of the hall a dirty look.

Through studies conducted by the Society of Higher Education, it has been documented that a teacher can teach up to sixty students successfully. Teachers only need fifteen minutes of quality time to teach a new lesson, the rest of the fifty minutes will be used for calming down the students and answering questions. With this programs, the students will require at least an hour per class for homework outside of school to learn the material dictated in those fifteen minutes of teaching. To help teachers keep better track of their students, a micro chip will be place in the flesh of the back of their neck. This will illuminate the need to take roll, for as the student enters the class their number will be recorded in a new main stream computer system costing a hundred thousand dollars per computer with a total of ten computers. This list will then record the students not present to class and send out notices to parents. This will give teachers one less thing to do and allow them to focus on teaching those sixty students.

For misbehavior, students will be branned with an emblem of the Silverado Skyhawk on their forehead for all to see. This will cut down on having to discipline students, for the branning will serve as a constant reminder to behave. This procedure will be repeated until the student gets the point, or the flesh on their forehead begins to peel away. After the flesh begins to chunk off, students will be referred to disciplinary schools to learn how to graze the fields.

It has been brought to my attention by several extreme radicals that instead of herding children, the school board should vote to change the zoning board to stop at Sunset. What a crazy idea? What’s the harm in being more than a thousand students over capacity? It would be much easier to increase the school day and herd students as I already mentioned. Why create more work for ourselves? After all, students are no better than animal anyways.