He Who Farts Hard Farts Loudest Essay, Research Paper

Why cant a weapon be developed upon the flatulence of man. Why do people continue to spray air freshener in the toilet despite making it worse? Nobody knows. It may just well be the nature of man.

Males, when it comes to flatulence would undoubtedly be the dominant species between the two. We are the masters of dropping our lunch, letting it rip or whatever you prefer to call it.

Don’t you just love it when somebody lets of flatulence right in your proximity? The little fart particles are just like little F18 Interceptors, flying through the air and targeting your nasal passages. Then they lock on and fire those M15 stink missiles right up there and then you’re your own worst enemy. You breathe in and you suck someone else’s foul gas into your own lungs, which mixes in your own bloodstream. Someone dropping their lunch is like a dog marking their territory inside your body.

There’s nothing worse than when someone goes to the toilet and leaves their utter stench of last nights meal behind them. Then, it always happens, they think they can make it all better by spraying some air freshener. Instead of making things better, they get worse. The air condition goes from unbearable to lethal. When the stench particles combine with the air freshener, it makes a deadly mask that seems to forever hang. Even napalm gas is better than this.

Overall, there are currently only seven commonly know types of flatulence around the world. The silentus fartius, showerus fartius, motorus fartius, explodius fartius, runnius fartius, squeakius fartius and the good old Dutch oven.

Humans are constantly known to evolve but what isn’t mentioned is that the commonly known fart has also

evolved. Back in the days of good old England, there was only the petite fart.

But now those weaklings have evolved into such beasts as the explosion fart (explodius fartius) and lethal strains such as the silent but violent fart (silentus fartius).

There is a very old primitive type of flatulence that is still common today known as the squeaker. These usually occur in schools when students try to hold it in but it squeezes its way through, to the outside world.

Whilst all humans may try, many are unable to control their flatulence, no matter what the circumstances are. It’s like it has a mind of its own. People that stand in tightly packed queues just hold and hold till the little Scottish guy controlling the valve in your buttocks engine room sends an emergency message to the bridge saying, “Captain! I just can’t handle the pressure, she’s gonna blow!” So you immediately take the standard evasive action and god knows, it’s always the silent but violent that erupts from the bowls of the your body. People are at first just standing there, then they start to twitch their noses and look around at the person behind them and start making a bit of a space between them and person in front. The person who did the dirty deed knows all this going on because they are continually looking around to see if anyone has caught them out, and if they have, are ready to immediately place the blame on someone else.

There are different effects of this nasal virus in different places. If it was at a highschool canteen line and someone let it rip, fingers would be pointed and shirts would be pulled over noses. Now, if this happened back in good old upperclass England, the people would just pretend that they smelt nothing and they are immune to it all, but the trained eye knows better because excuses are made like, “Oh, I will just get a cup of tea dear.”

Of course there always have to be the ‘grunters’ of the pig race who take to flatulating like an art. They are known to possess the secret power of harnessing the highly slobbish, disgusting and stupid art of exploding

their gases like an atomic bomb at Hiroshima. When they feel the urge, they send a message down to the buttock engine room to the engineer saying, “Give me all the power you got and get those fart thrusters up and running.” When these people blow, you know all about it because you can feel the earth vibrating beneath your feet. This type of flatulence also has a brother species known as a runny fart (runnius fartius). Sometimes when the engineer down there gives it all he’s got, the shields can’t withstand all that force and give way letting through other sloppy goodies in the explosion. I knew a doctor once who told me a story about a runny fart.

Two doctors were once doing a bit of spot diagnosis, they saw a middle aged man sort of limp/wobbling across the waiting room. Doctor A said, “I’d bet my money that he recently had a genital operation.” Doctor B said, “No, no good friend, I do believe he has haemorrhoids.” They both walked over to the man and Doctor A asked him, “Good day sir, my colleague and I were just doing a bit of spot diagnosis on you, I said you had recently had a genital operation and my friend says you have haemorrhoids.” The man hurriedly said to the two doctors, “Well, you think I have genital pains, you’re wrong. And your friend here believes I have haemorrhoids, well he’s wrong. I thought I had to pass wind, but it seems that I was wrong too.” With that he quickly moved towards the toilets.

We can’t go without mention of the Dutch Oven. It is a classic that usually married couples do when they’re either angry with their partner, or are just plain filthy. When your in bed with your partner they flatulate beneath the blankets a silentus fartius. Then without warning, they pull the unsightly thick skin of an abdominal creature over your head. You struggle and struggle to free yourself but your attempts are all in vain as the deadly smells of the creatures stomach eat you alive as gradually you start to die. Just before you are put out of your misery you make a final attempt to get free and succeed. So that you can remember the disgusting moments of torment pain and torture that you had just experienced. To fight another day and get revenge on those who made you suffer for those unforgettable seconds that seemed an eternity.

Maybe one day when modern technology becomes advanced enough we will be able to control those unearthly stenches and sounds that come from our rears. Or for some of us, unwanted in the world of the polite, even enhance their abilities to flatulate. Only time can tell. Until then, like they say, he who farts hard farts loudest.