Satire2 Essay, Research Paper

Murderer apologizes; walks freeVictim’s father relieved: “I’m glad he saw that what he did was wrong.”On February twenty-third, 1996 history was made in a small courtroomin Rockford, Illinois. This was the first time a criminal asserted hisnewest constitutional right. The new amendment congress passed unanimouslywas for the protection of criminals, generally referred to as the “I’m sorryamendment.” The amendment basically says this: If someone is being tried for acrime they are given the option to come out and say what they did was wrong,and they are truly sorry for their crime. If the defendant chooses toexercise his new constitutional right the judge must close the case and letthe defendant go free. “Hallelujah!” Thirty-two year old Tyler Morgan exclaimed as he waslet walk out of the courtroom a free man. Morgan was being tried for thebrutal slaying of three children on December third, 1995. Outside the courtroom Morgan explained “Yeah, I killed those threekids. It was a hideous death. I made them suffer. I choked them each oneat a time, making sure the others watched. It was entertaining to see theirfaces change colors as the time went on. When they were almost dead I hitthem in the face as hard as I could, and burned their arms with my cigarette.I kind of wanted to stop, but I had already started, so I couldn’t finish atthat time. When two of them were dead, I got out of the car, finished off mybeer and I was ready for the third. I got the most pleasure out of seeingthe last one try to fight. He had such a hopeless scream and a patheticlook on his face. After all three of them were dead, I drank another beerand dumped their bodies by the river. After thinking about it for a while Iguess I realized it was wrong. I shouldn’t have killed them, but owell, atleast I got a workout. I’d just like to say once again that what I did waswrong, and I’m sorry.” The judge in the proceedings, Alan Foley supports this new law. “Even though his hair fingerprints were found all over the boys’clothes, over twenty witnesses were ready to testify, and the fact that hehas been in prison for murder on two other occasions,” Foley explained”Morgan knew what he did was wrong, and he’s truly sorry. Hopefully thepublic will realize the pain Morgan went through when he was given aone-million dollar bail. Also, I saw him talking on the news the othernight, he seemed like a pretty nice guy. He probably won’t do it again.” One might speculate the families of the victims would be angeredabout this new amendment, on the contrary the families are overjoyed. BenHansen, the father of the youngest victim is acting as the spokesperson forall of the family members. “We can just sleep easier now,” Hansen says witha look of relief on his face “now that we know the man who murdered my only

son is sorry. I don’t have to live in fear that he is going to get mesometime. All of us can live in simple peace and harmony now. Also there isthe fact that he is sorry. Now that he had learned his lesson I really don’tthink he will kill anyone else. You know, we learn from our mistakes, and hehas made plenty of them, so he should be rather intelligent by now. And whydwell on the past? It’s over, finished, let’s move on.” When asked if the families felt revengeful, Hansen laughedhysterically and replied: “Revengeful?” continued laughing “No no no! Notat all! This man is sorry! Why would we be revengeful? Actually he iscoming over for dinner tomorrow night to meet the whole family.” This is only the first trial to be heard under the new twenty-seventhamendment. It is almost incomprehensible to think of the social and economicadvantages this amendment will bring. The President of the United Statesfigured in less than a year there will be no need for jails anymore; everyone will admit they were wrong and set free. This will cut state taxesan estimated fifteen percent. There are also plans to set up a completely automated phone servicewhere criminals will be able to call twenty-four hours a day to admit theirwrong doing, without having to hassle with going down to the courthouse. This is mainly geared to the molester and gang member that also wants to holda nine-to-five job. This will bring at least 100 new jobs into each state. Congressman Tim McMann was one of the fore fathers for the “I’m sorryamendment.” He commented: “We’ve only had this system for a day and I cantell it is going to work out greatly. The truth is just so ugly, and wedon’t want to look at it. It will be a cold day in Hell when I vote toabolish this amendment. I can’t imagine going back to the primitive judicialprocedures of punishing people for what they have done. Back then, even ifthe criminal is sorry it didn’t matter! I hate to even think about it, butthen the judge and jury only looked at the evidence of the trial. Thecriminal was punished for what he/she had done. They didn’t care at allabout the feelings of the real victim: the criminal. If this Morgan casewere to be tried without the twenty-seventh amendment he probably would havegotten at least three life sentences. I would just hate to see a man thatadmits he is wrong put behind bars. I love this amendment! Remember, we aretrying to evolve here, and we can’t evolve without change.” Even though no one at the Daily Bugle is a criminal, so thetwenty-seventh ammendment will not apply to anyone in our corporation, thispublication would like to applaud Congress for putting it into effect. TheDaily Bugle believes it is more valuable than the freedom of speech andpress. There will be a midnight vigil held in the park on Saturday forMorgan: the first of many men to admit he is wrong.